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I talked with Yuriko today. We've been keeping in regular touch since she went to Australia. She seems very happy and has finally hooked up with the guy who runs that bike shop she mentioned. I'm glad for her. She deserves happiness.
She keeps asking me when I'm going to find someone for myself. Never sure what to tell her, it's not like she doesn't know already. We discussed it not long after she got settled in, in Australia. Now that I think on it, she's the only one I have told. But I felt she had the right to know. That's funny. After our failed attempt at doing -anything- when she was here, I think she figured it out long before I said anything.
I mean, if you have a girl, naked, sprawled out on a bed, wanting you and moaning your name...and you can't rise to the occasion, but spring to attention when the newspaper boy bends over...it should be pretty obvious.
I guess I don't have a lot of options either. I mean, the club scene isn't my thing. I tried a couple of times, going with a couple of guys from practise. But the loud music, cigarette smoke, the smell of stale alcohol...it was a miserable time for me. My friends partied their asses off, dancing most of the night and girls flocked to them in a constant stream. I was just told "Aww..you're so cuuuute" in that drunken drawl that girls do. And they went on to extol about the 'physical prowess' of my friends. Like I was just one of the girls to them....the brother syndrome. So even if I -wanted- to be with a female...that seems to be ellusive to me as well.
Most of the males my age that I associate with through soccer are straight as boards. And I can't risk ruining what I have there with even trying to put feelers out.
Cruising is about the only thing open to me and I really don't want a string of meaningless encounters. How my friends do it, is beyond me. Actually...no it isn't. But it isn't something I'm interested in doing. I have no desire to deaden myself in that way. [sardonic laugh] Why copy someone when I can find my own creative and unique way of deadening the pain?
The pain is the only thing that reminds me that I'm alive. Reading that last statement...I'm pretty fucking sad.
It's not much of a life, but it's all I have.
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