been feeling down for the first time in awhile. two papers and two senior essays to write, a magazine to publish, and a job decision to make in the next 5 weeks. doable maybe, but there's also this insane pressure to make it the best and most memorable 5 weeks of my college experience. i'm just not ready for it to end.
in all likelihood i'll be back in la next year doing teach for america. i'm scared of teaching, but in some ways more scared to be coming back to la. there's a very real fear that straying too far, going anyplace that's not new york, will somehow make the whole thing (college) not-real, never-having-happened. a fear of regressing, retracing my steps-- and also of being bad at something again, being sad again, adjusting again and again never being home.
also a fear that when i leave here my life will still be messy, and it will no longer be okay. that i'll still eat wrong and not take vitamins or return calls, and that i won't have excuses anymore. that i am just that way.
on the other hand, the sunshine will be nice.