|Current mood:|| contemplative|
|Current music:||the cosby show|
am i really that unlovable????? I really just don't get it.I'm one of the least conceited people you'll ever meet but I know what my good qualities and while I am defintely not perfect I am lovable in my opionon(I know i spelled that wrong but i don't care).I've been dating this guy Shawn for about three month's now and just....ughh....i don't even know how to put what i'm thinking and feeling into words and thats why it's so hard to talk about.I used to think me and him were different....we've known each other for about 7 month's and for about four of those month's we were just friends...not just friends...best friends....we went every where together...called each other all the time when we weren't together...everyone referred to us as ceitlin and shawn or shawn and ceitlin never just one or the other, even when we were "just friends".We had and still have everything in common....we just "get" each other I guess.But I know alot about how him and his last serious relationship was and i see how he was w/ her and then how he is w/ me and its just different....not good different either as far as I'm concerned.They might not have been meant to be together but he treated her like they were.I once read a letter he wrote her and it just made my heart ache.....he sounded like he couldn't do anything w/ out thinking of her and how he couldn't live w/ out her and he's never once talked to me like he did to her in that letter and that just hurts. Then I spent the night hanging out w/ our mutual friend Mike and that just made things worse. He told me how Bri and Shawn were when they dated and how they couldn't keep their hands off each other and how they were ALWAYS together and how he used to WALK to her house EVERY day and that just made my heart ache more.....I want to be the one who Shawn can't go one second w/ out thinking about and I want to be the one who shawn can't live w/ out...he is that one for me and thats why its sooo hard for me to think about actually breaking it off w/ him. Whenever we said I love you and talked about being together forever and getting married I meant it.Whenever big life decisions have been thrown at me the past several month's i've always thought how it would affect "us", not me,not him,US.He doesn't seem to do that he thinks as it being his decision and his life only.Maybe we just see things differently but to me if you REALLY loved and cared about someone and they really were "the one" then i think things like that would be automatic and it would just come to you to think of things like that as "us" and not just yourself.I always have when it comes to shawn....I really do love him and I really do feel like I couldn't breath w/ out knowing he's w/ me.It literally breaks my heart to think about ending it w/ him but I can't keep living my life for someone who might not being doing the same.I need to get MY LIFE together on my own and figure shit out. I do know one thing though...I know i have a tendenacy to act like I'm not much of a romantic but I really am.I need someone who just surprises me w/ gifts and flowers and little love notes every once in a while.To me thats part of what being in love is.It's constantly doing things the other person likes because all you want is to make that person happy. I'm not saying live for that person and forget who you are but do things that make them happy. Whenever i make shawn happy that makes me happy. I love him and i don't want this to end but I know my needs and i can't keep doing this.