do you regret all your loneliness?
i'm sad. i regret lots of things. i wish i was nicer. easier to get along with. more interesting. i wish i had something to say. if two random people asked each other, and were pointing at me, "whos that?" they wouldnt know. i hate being another face in the crowd. i want to be something. to myself. to others. i want better friends. i want friends to confide in. i want to trust. i want a better life. i want to stop being such a needy son of a bitch. i'm wishing for a great day. i need great days. i need lots of things. i want a lot of things. will they ever come true? will ANY of these things come true? they can. but they wont. dont get me wrong, i want them to. i just have no optimism in me left. i keep hoping. i know i should stop hoping. and fucking do something. but what? i dont know. and thats the problem. i dont fucking know. school is getting boringer and boringer everyday. i told erika i'd rather die than go to school. she told me if i wanted to die i would have killed myself already. and thats true. but i dont want to kill myself. i want to...die. i want someone else to kill me. i dont know what i'm saying. i dont wear seatbelts. i want to take more risks. i want to break something. i've never brokened anything. i've never had to go to the emergency room. 'cept a long ass time ago when i was throwing up so much. now that i think of it, i never liked school. i rember asking my mom when i was in the hospital room "is it a school day?" so i would'nt have to go. and when my parent used to fight and we would leave, again, is it a school night?. hmm. i have a sad life. i want to help heather. she probably has a sadder life than me. but she hit me. so she hates me. she hates lots of things. and me. why? why did she have to hit me? why did she have to fucking destroy the one person i wanted to get close to. to confide in. to trust? i had a dream about her. it was at school. i was giving someone a hug. i think she saw me. i think she saw that i didnt need her. i looked. she had her head down. pony tails. ripped up shirt she wears. jeans. holding her folder. looking down. as if she regrets something. i hope it was a sign. of how she didnt really mean to destroy our friendship but then i think about it, and is that possible?