| Current mood: |  angry |
| Current music: | dashboard :: vindicated |
i am flawed...but i am cleaning up so well...(only not)
a push, a shove, a slight twist of the arm.
"peer pressure, i'm far too sensitive"
that can't always be the case.
i can make my own choices.
they may not always be the right ones.
they may never be the right ones.
in fact, they won't ever be the right ones.
and they will always have consequences
that i don't really care for.
but i'll go back to you. and you.
and maybe, once in a while, you.
just for the feelings.
those warm fuzzy feelings.
just for the feelings.
for the rush.
for the fun.
for the high.
for the happiness.
yet it can only last so long.
then i begin my waiting.
waiting for the landslide.
waiting for the crash
it's gonna be a big one this time.
i posted that on my deadjournal. probably not a good idea. i might have to delete it.
i am so angry at myself. last night was a monday night. and i drank. then smoked. i hate myself. like, really, i do. this college thing is giving me waaay to much freedom. i need to like buckle down and realize my future is kinda-maybe-sorta, i duno, DEPENDING on this. i can't fuck around. and i'm trying so hard not too. but i suck and i can never make the right choice. ahhhhhh.
i still havent crashed yet. i am waiting for it. it's going to be massive. i've had 3, almost 4, weeks of happiness. and not all of it was under the influence. but now that im starting up again, it seems i need it to make me happy.
i need to draw the line right here and stop. no more wednesday night drinking, no more monday night smoking. i dont even think thirsty thursday is a good idea. friday and saturday will be the only day i'll allow myself to moderatley let loose.
this won't last. i wont stick to it. i can't. but maybe ill try. maybe ill begin to focus on why i came here. to be a teacher.
x
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