| Current mood: |  lonely |
| Current music: | Fuel |
Mixed Feelings and High Hopes
Why do I have to tear myself up this way?! WHY?! I always end up down like this. I can't take it. Why me?! I can't seem to figure that out. First it's with Branden...I will admit I fell for him way too fast...he was good looking, we acted alike but he took things way too fast for me. I like doing things slowly. That's just the way I am. I haven't heard anything from him in awhile and I kind of miss not being able to talk to him. It just tears me all to pieces. I really liked him. I knew I shouldn't have been wearing my heart on my sleeve like I was. Nobody knows I feel like this...I don't want anyone to know I feel like this. They'll just find some way to throw it back into my face. It always works that way. Then it's on to Chelsey. If she does not pull her head out of JC's ass here pretty quickly I'm either gonna shove my foot up her ass or end our friendship. I cannot take it any longer. Friendship means communication...we've never had a problem with that. Until she gets a boyfriend. Then she goes stupid. And I mean stupid. Plans her whole life around him and completely ignores her friends. She couldn't even remember stuff I had told her the day before because JC said somethin to her when I was tryin to talk to her. Damn him. I fuckin hate him. I invited her to go with us to Tennessee since our last trip and she wanted to go and was all excited about it. Up until recently...when JC came into the picture. So I basically cut her ass from the list and Lana is goin with me. The last time she acted like this I cut her ass from the list and took Ashley to the movies with me instead of her and she sorta came around. I'm not gonna sit around and wait for her to make up her mind. I have stuff to do and I can find someone to do it with. If not, I'll do it by myself. Then there's my feelings for Brian. I really like him. I've liked him since we were 6. We even went our for awhile and we were inseparable. Now I'm really starting to develop feelings for him. Friday we worked on our homework together and he was asking me questions about my family and we talked about various things. And we were sitting pretty close. Usually I would feel a little weird sitting by someone I have feelings for but I was totally comfortable with him. And I like that feeling...I just don't know if he likes it also. I wish I knew a way of finding out. I'm way too nervous to just go up to him and ask what he thinks about me. I want to let things go slowly this time. I don't want to be rushed into things and I don't want him to feel like he's being rushed. I've already been rushed into things I wasn't ready for. I was ready for them but not that soon. I was talking to my mom about Branden and about how I was getting more feelings for Brian and she told me to drop Branden's ass and if Brian asked me out to go for it because he was better than Branden. I agree he is. I know Brian ALOT better than I know Branden. Branden lives too far away for me...I've never really felt comfortable with the long distance relationship thing. Plus he's 21...he's not gonna want to sit around and just wait for me. I know he's not. I know how he is. He will want to go out with his friends and have a good time. And I respect that. But I can't help feeling a little bit jealous. Christina told me that he got laid 3 times by this chick who done pot. I could have done without the details...especially with her knowing that I still have some feelings for him. But she always finds a way to add that kind of stuff in. Don't get me wrong, I love Christina to death but just sometimes...it just seems to end up hurting me. But I don't like letting people know what hurts me and what doesn't. They seem to think I have no feelings. But what they don't know is that my feelings are being crushed and I'm resorting to a way of hurting myself...cutting.
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