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Rachel (sweetandsorrow) wrote,
@ 2004-03-23 17:27:00
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    Current mood: angry

    i feel like such a hypocrite for telling danny and everyone to be happy and dont worry cuz i feel like shit right now its so hard for me to just get up in the morning cuz there doesnt seem to be a reason. just nothing to live for. maybe im just super pissed off today. my mom has been saying how fat im getting all the time and my dad is just a dickhead. and it hurts even more cuz i work my ass off to please them and i really do love them and i wanna make them proud of me but all they do is say what a dissapointment i am. i mean ya ive fucked up more then alot of kids but im also trying to shape up more then a lot of kids. cant they give me any god damn credit? its like i try to be good but i dont get any recognition so why the hell should i be good?! i might as well just go back to fucking up my life. i mean im just so good at that....damn i just feel like bitching so im gonna cuz only bear reads this anyways...i feel like i dont fit in anywhere. i dont have that many friends in NC but here its like i used to have millions and billions but they all moved on when i left so they dont have a place for me anymore. they like the routine their in and they dont wanna make a place in their lives for me anymore. i mean maybe by the time i leave here ill have some good friends back but then ill go to NC and have to start all over again there too. its just too fucking much for me. ive already decided to take a year off after highschool just take like a road trip wherever the hell i feel like going. i might even come down here and pick up some of my friends. damn i dunno if i even wanna live to be that old. my life hasnt exactly worked out so far so its prolly just more fuckups in the future. maybe that why im so damn sexually compulsive/slutty its like atleast im making someone feel good in some way. i might be totally degrading myself but atleast im making someone happy. and myself happy for however long it lasts. its a superficial happiness. but oh well. or maybe im just very horny. who knows. either way i have absolutley no control. i never think about the consequences of my actions. and even when i do get screwed over i dont feel any shame. i mean i cheated on one of my bfs with 5 fucking people. i even fucked someone else. and i still dont feel bad about it. there has got to be something wrong with me. ok im sick of typing cuz my fingers are tired. possibly more bitching to come

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