| Current mood: |  calm |
| Current music: | mew |
i realise that i can change with a snap of the finger. yes that versatile you say. not change as in changing from your fixed regime, habits, character, but momentary changes. either that or youre just numb, oblivious to everything else. or maybe even just locking your mind and nodding away. that helps a lot. for the good of the community and social connections its good to do that even when you dont want to.
sometimes you think about being a better person, appreciating the people and things you value a little bit more, stop being so whiny about current circumstances, read books and learn a little bit more other than academics, but then you end up going back to old ways and you question why? but it only lasts for mere seconds, cos there isnt enough strength to continue questioning and improving. or you just dont bother because after that the status quo still remains. only when change sets in you start worrying and by then its too late.
you question if its about being in the wrong place wrong time, or if it just boils down to yourself. sometimes you are so convinced that youre just plain unlucky, but there will always be a nagging feeling acting a a reminder to how you refuse to admit your own shortcomings instead. then you start fighting between these two and get stuck in the middle. but it will be quite scary if the latter should prove correct. then theres nothing else to fall back on since being yourself is basically the only thing you truly have.
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