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Amber (suicidalbitch19) wrote,
@ 2003-12-27 14:53:00
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    my life in a nutshell
    People always say i do what i do to get attention.But no one really knows what i'Ive been through.Growing up i never knew my father and i barely knew my mother.when i was two my mother gave me to my grandmother and i grew up with her.i moved away from my home town at the age of 7 leaving all my friends i ever loved behind. we moved from Hampshire to California with my brother,mother,grandmother,and my mothers boyfriend.about two years later my mom's boyfriend moved back to new Hampshire as well as my brother.he has 5 years old.i haven't seen or talked to him since.it's been over 5 years.when i was 9 my mother got engaged to another guy.after 6 months of living with him he started molesting me.finally i moved out and lived with my grandmother.when i was 10 i became close friends with the two daughters next door.their mother worked at the bank and their father worked at the radiator shop between our two houses.sometimes i would go over there and help him work, he began molesting when i was 10 and it continued until i was 12. finally i got the courage to tell my grandmother.i went through 3 months of court and questioning plus another 6 months of therapy.when i entered Jr.high i met this guy named Quinn. he and i were happy for a while.then after a few months of dating, he raped me in his fathers bed.i never told anyone about it.but it had a huge impact on me.that's when i became anorexic and suicidal.i lost a ton of weight and became very sick.i'm still sick it's been over 4 year now.when i was 13 i began dating a guy named Ryan Hooligan, right away i could tell something wasn't't right.he was abusive,he would grab me by the arms and just hurt me.i didn't know what to do,so one day i fought back and told him i would tell people if he touched me again,that was the end of that.when i entered high school i was still suicidal but not so much anorexic,but i was going into high school open about something else,i was open about being bi sexual.that was a mistake,people took it badly they all hated me.i became very secluded, i talked to no one. until i met a good friend of mine named Jason,or at least i though he was my friend. we had been "friends" for a couple of weeks,he asked if he could come over and hang out and stupid me said yes.Once again i was raped,he was 28 and i was 15.now i am 16 my life is not much better.i had no direction in life so i seek a way to relieve all my pain,i do in in the only way i know how.hurting myself in anyway possible,cutting myself,punching myself,burning myself,trying to drown myself, anything.I still don't know how to help myself,but i'm trying.

    ~~~suicidal queen~~~


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