| Current music: | sr-71: good-bye |
The pendulum swings both ways, but for u it's always swinging down
There are days where one may come to believe that the lies u've once told urself are true. I'm alright, i really am. If that's so true, then why do these tears form>? and why do i get shots of pain throughout my body or even lose sleep? WHy did i break down in religion? Not because i was afraid of a detention because i've had 2 before. I just couldn't stand the fact that there was someone that hated me just as much as everyone else did and i started to hate myself too. I couldn't stand the fact that my dad may of had another failure to add to my list. He hates looking like a bad parent and that's why nothing ever gets talked about and thats why i hide. Last time i got in deep shit because of my big mouth. Its evil to talk about ur problems or about ur family. So what if ur old friends hate u and are still making ur life hell, they aren't worht being ur friends. Then who is??? They left me, then they told everyone else to do the same. Does anyone know what its like trying so hard to become happy and no one will allow it. Am i doing something wrong?? why does everyoen ahte me. The wrost part is..they hate me for being..well me. That fucking hurts. Then when u try to explain it to everyone else, its not their fault...its urs for over analyzing everything. I just want to know what the hell i did wrong..be strong and actually say ur comments to my face. I feel like this is grammar school all over again. Well, at least tomorrow i get out of gym to go see the social worker.::sighs::.
On sunday, Tyler wouldn't tell me what was on his mind, i blew up because i just knew he didn't like the fact we werent together and just friends. But i finally dont regret something and i cant take it back now. Then online i couldnt stand the fact he wasnt iming me. So i did, and he ignored me. I should have written something down cuz it affected me. The next day, olan ims me to get advice on a problem. I help her, even though we arent exactly that great right now...we never really were. But i ahd to bring it up so iasked how come she was talking shit about me again...we promised we wouldnt interfere in each other's lives. But she wouldnt give me a straight answer. I think i should have written that day too especially since tyler and i still werent talking and my family was getting to me too. I hate the fact im not better...it was killing me.knowing i might be taken away..knowing i was the biggest screw up and it was too alet to change and i was given too many chances. The next day was worse...i cant even look up anymore in the halls...i cant take it anymore. In religion, it happened. After class i ahd to get up and go get my stuff that sr. Grace took away. I started to tear and told myself to stop. I hate the fact i cant control anything. Everythign just came tumbling down all at once. my teacher didnt want to hear excuses or that i was sorry and it reminded me so much of my parents. They gave me so many chances to gte better, sr. grace gave me so many chances to just be a good student. Yet i refused to obey and then i got in trouble for it. Thats what scared me. I knew pretty soon my parents would find out im not better, although i am better than i was 3 years ago, just not enough. I said thank u for writing me up, at leats u have a reaosn for hating me. She told me to come back and i couldnt leave until i said what i meant. She ended up prying it out of me about my ruined friendships, the fact that i may not be in school in another month (she thought i wnated to kill myself) and taht no one can know i told her anything becasue my parents are strict like that. I just ddint tell her in detail about anything. Kinda like im doing now. Then that night laura ims me to try and be friends again..i dont know..she is friends with people who hate me and it hurts to see her around them. The next day though steph trollo had the nerve to say "oh doesn anyone here know laura costello? that girl is so great..i love her" then looks at me! what the hell!!! i hate laura now and im not going to take that shit. I dont want people knowing and trying to sympathize. Thats not what i want..i just want a hug and someone to say "you're doing ok...you're doing the bets u can...u wont end up like ur mom and u will be able to survive this." thats another thing. My mom. no matter how many times i try to push myself to be nice to her and forget out past and the wicked things she did to me and my dad. She was never there for me and she prob never will be. some days she doesnt even want me to come over because she wnats to do her nails or sleep. She wants a guy to be with but wont go out at 8pm becasue she needs rest. I dont understand her at all. Thats why i push her away because she is selfish and im hoping by showing her how im hrt, she would start to relate to me better. But she doesnt care she is so self-contained that nothing hits her. I even tried writing her a letter/peom once. She laughed to my face. Yah thats why i dont try. also she will go off in the mall without me and then im stuck by myself but around other people she will prtend to be the motherly type and tell people I ran off without her. I hope i dont turn out like her i really dont want to but each day i see the characteristics that i've gained and it makes me want to puke. I cant believe i've lost all my morals and all my faith and now that i look back at my life, there was never any time where i was truly happy. When my parenst were together they either faked their happiness and when that got too hard, they'd fight around me--scream and yell..hit and throw things. I remember the day my dad came home with the groceries. he didnt get one thing..only one and she had a fit beyond comprehension. She threw food on the floor and poured the milk down the sink. I cried forever and told them to stop...i was invisable. SO i threw pillows at the wall and tried to rip them apart. I have so much deep-seeded aggression that just gets held inside me that when i do blow, its when its leasd expected..or i just get these pains all over and it's really hard and there are less and less people to talk to about it..its not like i told everyone about these things when they were around though so i guess it doesnt matter.
wow another day to go bad...now i just found out tyler is going to go out with some freshman on track named kate..i hope she's blond haired and blue eyed and has a perfect figure and ah omg i cant believe im letting this bother me...i broke up with him remember>? ok im alright. ha thats what all insane people say.
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