I've come to the conclusion that communication, the commodity for which I have pained is not, after all, what I desire. Communication implies a second party---a receiver, an interpreter. Communication, though I enjoy it, is second to expression. Second party or no, the urge...no, the compulsion to express is what is vital. At least it is for me. The thoughts and ideas I encode and send into the world are themselves important and ends in themselves.
I cannot hope to deny the joy I get from seeing a message received or an idea understood. Though I don't know what I fully believe yet, I do have an unyielding sense of solitude in the universe. Reason tells me that when all is said and done, I will be utterly alone. However, seeing someone understand my thoughts eases that loneliness. I'm able to forget it. No, of course it does not change the immense size of the world nor does it make us any less trivial, but it does give hope.
I have to maintain hope that ineffectual I can change things. To have a single generation of selfless individuals, those who can correct the mistakes of selfish generations past---that is what I desire. Of course that is an incredible contradiction. Why should I care about the legacy of mankind if I am alone in the universe? Why should I care if physical existence is all there is? I shouldn't, but I do.