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Stephanie (stephanieliz_5) wrote,
@ 2003-09-24 20:01:00
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    Current mood: blank
    Current music:Unloco-Becoming I

    Pointless, Meaningless, Timeless Efforts
    At some points in time, my hours feel timeless, lonely, and worthless. But what can I say? I'm just another girl who is attempting to be successful. Needless to say that I have been struggling for the past 2 months. I don't even know who I truly am anymore, I don't know myself. It's not only pathetic, but it's sad. I used to think I knew myself so well, but here I am once again at square one. I hate being here, I hate no understanding, and I hate not knowing what is going on with my own life. I know for a fact that I am a lot happier here with my real mom, than I was in Hillsdale with Jean. I know that I will be better off here, and I know this is whats good for me. I just, I feel lost. My whole personality seems like it did a 360. I didn't even notice my personality change, and maybe I didn't notice it because I didn't want to, or maybe I like how I am acting. A girl named Laura told me to my face that I was fake. I didn't get pissed, because I respect what she's saying, but I don't understand it. I guess I could consider her a... not quite a friend, because I don't know her all that well, but she's good enough. Anyway, she knows what she's talking about, maybe because I'm being more myself, it makes my "old self" look bad. I don't quite know, and I doubt that I will ever quite understand. I thought I was happy with the way I was acting, talking, sounding, and who I was. I know I shouldn't allow people to affect my personality in general, but what can I do?? Laura thinks that she understands me, and what I'm going through. Yet no one really has a clue, and I would prefer that she didn't call me a fake, I'm just trying to figure out my true self. What better time to figure out yourself than in High School? It's not the real world yet, and you can't really mess up, right? How can I be fake? If I'm being myself. I don't act like someone that I'm not, I admit anything that I'm asked. I don't lie about what I like, or what I do. If I don't want to share my life, I don't. I simply keep it to myself. How is that being fake?.. Bah, pointless, meaningless conversations that will soon be forgotten by all.

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