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Stella The Diver (stellathediver) wrote,
@ 2003-01-30 17:36:00
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    part on: My Stroke Story

    it’s no surprise. Julian is not alone. Nick stands there patiently awaiting Jules’ answer.
    “Make up your fucking mind for god’s sake!” he says to Julian in a stern and annoyed voice.
    Julian doesn’t listen to him and simply sits there looking down at his shoes. He studies them very carefully and doesn’t notice anything that hadn’t been there before. And he still don’t answer nick.
    “Fine. You think about that Jules. I’m outta here.” nick says in an even more annoyed voice as he stumbles out of the room. But julian is still sitting there looking at his feet. Nothing special and nothing new. He wants to know why he isn’t responsive. Is it the weed? The booze? The lifestyle? The girlfriend? He still doesn’t know and he could care-less. he finally picks himself up and walks out the door. Jules looks around at the streets of new york on a fine fall day. Then he spots him......lucas. Lucas flashes him the most heart-breaking smile and quicky says “got a light?”
    Jules just stares at him for a moment and shakes himself awake and pulls out a lighter that ryan adams lent him a few weeks back. “Thanks” lucas says as he puffs on his cigarette. Julian never realized how good looking lucas really was but doesn’t mention it to lucas. Lucas is so care-free as seems as if he could give a crap about anything and has his mind focused on what he is doing...smoking. “If only i could be like you. You seem so........focused and calm.” jules softly says to lucas. Lucas just looks at him kind of shocked and then simply says while tilting his head “eh...i guess i am just that way. You don’t want to be like me though. I’m nothin’ special”
    jules didn’t expect that answer and starts to walk away but manages to say just before he leaves “see you later.” he leaves lucas standing there, morally shocked, and for no reason at all.

    Ch. 2- Run, Run, Run

    “She is fucking hott!” screams Albert with a big grin on his face. That’s the first thing jules see’s when he enters their apartment. “Whatever” Fab says in a bitchy and smarmy voice. Jules doesn’t give a shit about what they are talking about and just walks in past them and heads to the kitchen. “So you don’t say hello anymore ay?” albert says to jules trying to get his attention. Jules doesn’t answer and cracks open a bottle of Corona. Albert doesn’t like not getting attention and starts to jump up and down and waving his hands in the air yelling “ HELLO?! Julian mother fucking casalancas you there!!!?”
    jules looks at him as if albert is the size of an ant and his only a bother in his day “ yeah. What the fuck is up with you” snaps jules.
    “Woah! Someone set you off today huh?” albert quickly says.
    “ i need to be alone alright? Go talk to your lover over there” he said in the bitchiest voice possible and pointed to Fab who is innocently sitting there with his chin in his hands with a bored face on.
    “Whatever” albert says while walking back over to fab.

    I need to be alone he says to himself in his head. As he walks to his room he doesn’t notice anything at all. Jules finally found his way to his bed and decides to lay down and close his eyes. He doesn’t want to sleep but maybe he does. He doesn’t know what he wants and could care-less. suddenly the phone rings which makes him snap up to his feet. It rings about 4 times before he answers it.
    “Hello?” he says in a tiny and almost un-hearable voice
    “made up your fucking mind yet?!”
    He knows exactly who it is. It’s nicky. Jules can hear the music in the background, it sounds like Jimi Hendrix, but he could be wrong.
    “Umm..........i guess not”
    “fine just forget it” nick screams and hangs up on jules.
    Nick had never hung up on him before. Maybe he had done something wrong. The only person who could give him advice on what to do would be nikolai. Just as the name nikolai leaves jules mouth makes him feels a sudden sigh of relief.

    Ch. 3- your head’s not right.

    “What’s up julian?” niko says in his small but soothing voice.
    Already jules knows that niko will make him feel better. But he doesn’t know what to tell him. “Umm...i could use your help on something” jules manages to say in a voice that sounds as if he is a lost and lonely little boy who doesn’t know where he is. “Okay. What’s the matter then julian?”
    “I don’t know. I’m bitchy and don’t want to talk to anyone i guess...”
    “Well that doesn’t sound too out of the blue. Just kidding. That’s all?”
    “I suppose so.....”
    “It will pass jules. Trust me.”
    Nikolai always knows what is wrong. Julian didn’t need to go into detail. He is a savior and is god himself maybe. “I’m such a lucky fuck to know that guy.” he whispers to himself. Neurotic thoughts race though jules head. Is he right? Why do i do this to myself? He asks himself over and over again in his head til he is disturbed by a loud knock on his door. Jules doesn’t even need to look over to see who is at the door. He automatically knows who it is. It’s matt. “What is it Romano?” he says with a sigh. “Just checking up on you. Albert said you were having a nervous break-down and i though you might maybe wanna do something you know? So you would feel better.” It was so hard for jules to be mean to matt. Because he was so sweet and so adorable and if you were to hurt him and see how awful you made him feel was far worse than waking up in a pool of your own piss and vomit after a night out with Albert and Fab. “Umm...I’m okay for now. Thanks though matt.” an easy let down, at least he wouldn’t be hurting matt in anyway that would damage him for life. “Alright. Tell me if you need anything” matt said with his big, beautiful, and bright smile. Then matt was gone. Jules was still lying there looking up at the ceiling. It was white and dull. He thought of many people that were white and dull but quicky got up and went over to his dresser and opened a small bag and pulled out a little piece of hell...

    Ch. 4- take it or leave it.

    Nothing was the same since this happened to him. At first it had no meaning to him. He didn’t ever think it would be a part of him. But it had. He wanted to hear one of their songs. He knew which one would fit his mood, Soma. The song actually had some meaning to him now. It was a drug. It was his drug. he quicky took in some more soma. He couldn’t stop it. It had become a part of his body and his life. Then he sang to himself softly “soma is what they would take when hard times opened their eyes...” Jules got a bit teary and he was shocked to find matt standing in the doorway. He didn’t know if he saw him taking more soma or if he had just heard him singing to himself and came to check it out. “Julian? don’t look too good.” Matt was like a little child and had seen something they were meant to have never seen and didn’t know what to do or say about it. Matt was like a baby, he was a baby...just a big, lean, and tall baby who was in a 24 year old’s body. “It’s okay matt” he said looking down he the bed. It seemed to have become a pattern for him to look down when nervous or scared of something. Matt looked scared and walked out. Jules felt bad. Matt was older than him by a few days but matt acted like a 2 year old. Matt quickly came back with ryan in tow. Mr gentles looked serious. He had on his glasses but they were crooked and his hair and shirt were messed up. He looked as if he had just gone in the bathroom and fucked someone or something. But that wasn’t his “style.” He stood there and looked at jules and asked matt what the fuck was up. Matt whispered something to ryan. Jules knew this wasn’t good. Ryan walked over to him and picked up the soma and gave it to matt telling him “here give it to nick or someone. I’m sure they will like it.” matt looked at it and ran off holding it as if it would explode or something. “Julian, julian, oh julian” ryan sighed. “Why are you doing this to yourself? You’re too good for this.” Ryan looked like a puppy dog with his pouting eyes and it made jules cringe. He hated it when Ryan would do that. “I’ll try and stop ryan. I promise.”
    Ch. 5 - a hard day’s night

    Nick was very impatient today. He was sick of jules being so damn depressive. It had been so long since it could be like the “someday video” where they all could laugh and have a great time. He wanted those days back. But it wasn’t up to him, it was up to Jules. “This is fucking bull shit god dammit julian!!” Nick seemed pretty mad at him. “What is?” he said looking up at nick. Nick was wearing his white stripes shirt and his jeans, they made him look so thin. “You know what I’m talking about! Don’t fuck around! Enough is enough!” jules hated to see nick so upset and angry with him. He didn’t know what to do though. It was getting late. He didn’t want to be there at that moment. Nick was getting to him. “We can talk about it later” jules said as he stood up and looked nick straight in the eye and then left. Nick was clue-less. albert heard nick yelling and followed jules outside where he found him sitting on the ground with his back against the building. “Hey. So what happened?” he didn’t know how to answer albert. He was being a pain in the ass lately and was always asking too many fucking questions. “It’s okay albert. Nick is just a bit mad now. Let him cool off.”
    Albert finally got the picture and sat down next to jules. Maybe he wasn’t that immature and knew a lot more than anyone thought. But nobody, not even Jules, knew what Albert thought about....he didn’t really give a crap about what Albert though about though. “Well i should go.” albert said sadly. But just as he got up he said in a depressive and sassy voice “you guys think I am so dumb.” Jules didn’t think he was dumb, just a happy little boy who couldn’t deal with the facts of life. Albert might just not have wanted to know the bad things about life. Only the good things. Jules didn’t judge him for that though. Suddenly he heard a voice saying “you just don’t get it julian.” then a loud sigh after that. He looked over to see Ryan crouched down next to him. He was looking though his glasses. Jules always though ryan and nick had the same optometrist or they both bought matching glasses. Though he wasn’t too sure if nick really need glasses or just wanted to be some emo kid or something. He never mentioned the glasses to either of them. Though he really had been wanting to tell ryan how his glasses made him look pretty god damn hott sometimes. But those words would never leave his mouth and only stay in his head where they couldn’t be heard. “You guys are just making a big deal out of this, it’s nothing” jules whispered to ryan. Ryan didn’t seem the least bit sympathetic and just stared at jules with his big wide brown eyes, jules just assumed they were brown. “You need to stop. End of story julian. No more dicking around anymore.” jules knew he was right but didn’t want to admit it to ryan or himself. He wanted to say something stupid that would take both their minds off of the topic. “So only lucas and matt can dick around and be like little babies?” he laughed while pulling out a cigarette of his green vest’s pocket. “Yes julian. Only they can” giggled ryan. Then without another word ryan got up and left jules on the sidewalk smoking. He knew that he needed to give up smoking and give up soma for good. But it would take time for him to get over it.

    Ch. 6- boys act too tough.

    It had been 3 days since jules had seen ryan after talking to him briefly that day on the sidewalk. He didn’t really wish to see him because he knew that ryan knew what he was trying to do. He was hiding from him and the rest of the boys. The only one that wanted to talk to him was matt and lucas. The two little boys. Lucas was actually staying with jules. Albert had left with fab and hadn’t come home for 3 days. Jules just assumed they went on another one of their what they called “bill and ted adventures”. Albert called them that because he loved that movie. He was still a child too. Jules felt that he and nick were the only adults, sadly as that was, since nick was the youngest. Matt was still a bit more quiet than he had ever been in his life. He was a frightened and scared little boy that was scared of all those he knew. Jules knew that matt was becoming a wallflower and he didn’t like the thought of that. Matt had always been so fun and bubbly. Jules loved matt for that because he was always to god damn happy. Matt was even older than jules by a few days! But it made no difference. He looked down at his hands. He closely looked at them. They were nice hands indeed. The had touched so many things and been in so many different places. And he had no idea why he was looking at his hands. He just assumed he was too nervous to look up and face the facts, he was addicted. Of all the things Jules need in his life being a drug addict was not what he needed. He need something...he didn’t know what but he need it. No it wasn’t getting laid or “love” or some crap like that. He wouldn’t probably know til he quit. But he wasn’t going to rehab, he had been there before and promised himself that he would never go back. Almost everyone knew what was up with him. They all knew. Ryan did, Matt did, Lucas probably did, Nikolai definatly knew, and nick and the other probably figured it out or they didn’t know. “Fuck” that was all he could say. He said it again but a lot louder so they all could hear him “FUCK!!” He got some odd looks for that. Ryan didn’t even bother to look over. Jules knew Ryan was pissed at him. But he had a reason to probably. Jules had fucked up big time and could even break up the band if it got out of hand. Jules really didn’t want that but he was really afraid now that it might happen. “Fuck who? Fuck what?” fab asked in his little boy voice looking over at jules with his big and beautiful eyes. “Fuck the world” jules whispered and sounded as if he was going to cry his eyes out. Nick knew what was going though his head and without thinking got up and went over to Jules side and hugged him til a tear rolled down jules cheek. Nick felt like a mother holding her child who was in pain. Nick was jules mother for the moment. Jules didn’t think, he just sat there as stiff as a board and he managed to cry 3 more tears. He didn’t know if they were tears of pain, sickness, or happiness. Probably not happiness. Maybe it was finally hitting him. He was turning into another person....not jules.

    Ch. 7- run and hide

    it was 4 in the morning and jules hadn’t had one bit of sleep. He was tired but couldn’t close his eyes. He was worrying too much. He turned on the radio and went though a few stations til he landed on 17.6 some rock station. He knew what song it was, it was one of their songs...soma. It was a sign that he had to stop. Not in a week. Not in a year. Not in a month. NOW! Suddenly the phone rang. He let it ring about 7 times til he picked it up. That voice! The second he heard it he sprang up from his bed and listened in. Who was it?

    to be continued.....

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