It feels like.....We are falling apart. As if she isn't in love with me anymore. who could be. I sit here all day and do nothing. Depressioni is starting to set in. she makes it clear that I am not worth a damn. Just in a nice way. Like , not letting me mop.. I guess I should've done that while she was in class today. I know tha tthe past week I have been ill and sometimes even maybe a little mean. NOt to mention lazy . I didn't know it was going to push her away. This is how relationships are I guess. I just wonder if there is still time to win her back. Before she starts looking for better. I am not much.. I am nothing without her. I don't have a job. I don't have any money. At this point I don't know how to get either. No liscense, no car. I wonder if she only needs me here for comfort or for fear I have no where else to go? She loves me I know. She's in love with......... Who she thought I was maybe? Who I was when sh efirst met me. Who I long to be!!!! I'm not sure what to do to make things real again. What do we need. What do I need to feel wanted by her. To know that she is still happy with what little I bring to her life. She doesnt' laugh anymore. Until she is around others. I barely see her smile which is something I crave..... We have had sex 3 times in 15 days...... Maybe it's my haircut. Maybe I am turning into samantha? Maybe I have faded away.... I would much rather burn out than fade away....I don't want to waste another 2 or 3 years of my life on a relationship that isn't going to work. I wil Give my EVERYthing. But what good will it do if her feelings for me have changed...... I miss her so much. She can sit in the same room with me and I still feel utterly alone. I need her touch... To feel as if she knows I am her. When Sharon called yesterday bawling and asking me questions like what did she ever do to deserve what I did to her, and why didn't I let her go instead of dragging her along.. I couldn't say anything but at the time... I didn't know what I wanted and I was selfish.. But last night, as I lay beside shannon and asked her to hold me and she said no... I suddenly remembered why I stayed... Even though Iwasn't ever in love with her I have never felt that loved, that needed, worshiped almost as if I did no wrong. I never heard such encouraging, loving words, I never had someone believe in me the way she did. Run to me, give in , never once did I go to sleep alone. Where as sharon felt that way about me, I feel that way about shannon. I would give anything to feel that kind of love from shannon. Maybe she does feel that way she doesn't show it. I wonder if I left would she even cry? How upset would she really be....if at all. Maybe it would be one less mouth to feed. Maybe she needs a break or for me to be more loving , more ambitious, I wish that she would talk to me.. I mean really talk to me... tell me everything she feels everything she thinks, her wants her needs. I don't know how to get it out of her.
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