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[a violence of love and of sorrow] (starlitxtears) wrote,
@ 2004-07-31 23:20:00
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    Current mood: depressed

    I don't feel right
    I miss my mum.
    Walking around at the mascarade tonight, watching all the people dancing around together and having the time of their lives, I once again felt a cloud fall over my head. Like always. I try to talk to kate, but she walks off as though she doenst have the time or want to bother. Later on I see her with Sanja and Claire dancing and following THEM around for a bit of attention. I said whats up to some guy who I thought was hot, and he decided to say nothing and walk away really quickly. I watched other people have fun, I wanted to, but once again the raincloud was there and I felt so alone...It was as if my personality had morphed in two seconds.

    I feel like maybe I'm not as important of a person as I thought I was. Not important persay, but maybe my primary instinct was right...people really don't care. They have a million other things they would rather be thinking about, or doing then worrying about my friendship. And good for them, I dont expect them to be aroudn me 24/7, but if Im alone, at least talk to me if Im really interested in talking to you, for fucks sake.
    People are fake, people have one other person that means so much more to them than me. EVERY single person. Im not trying to write this to get people to say NO lucy you mean sooo much to me, im writing it because its how i feel. So don't act like im feeling sorry for myself.
    I always feel alone or unwanted, whether I want to or not. And it wont go away. I want to pull my brain from my head and shout at it to stop misbehaving, to let me not care about the little things, but my ear isnt big enough. Just like my "liking" of myself.

    I miss andrew for some reason...OK...I don't know why but I feel like I like him when I'm away from him. I don't know why, but I suppose the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" saying is true.
    Anyway, im not writing more about it, it really doesn't matter.



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