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Eh, decided to update. I only have about 30 minutes so I'll make the best of it. I mentioned the 'classes' point last night, so let me segue straight into that. See, Bluesky triggered that thought as well. I've been meaning to draw him-- not to mention Mech, Gilles, Zel, Sweeper, and countless others-- but despite my love for those characters and gratitude for their creator, I have virtually no artistic motivation. I know why. It's this severe depression/ gender problem idiocy again. I'm dead tired of hearing that broken record over and over again, but I can't seem to fix it, although I'd love to. I'm trying to settle that situation fast, though, because it's taking a serious toll on my classes. I'm still an Illustration major, and I'm ashamed of it. It feels like such a useless profession... drawing pictures for magazines, designing artworks for public use... what good does it do in the long run? I can't see myself pursuing any of the careers this degree would offer me, so I'm frightened of what will happen if I stay here. And yet, there's nowhere else I can go. I feel like such a fool... I have no other options, no other views, no open possibilities. I'm only in college because of a driving childhood wish that it would help me share my imagination, my hopes and dreams, with the world. I still don't know if I ever will. What a wish... I've been chasing a star that no one else can recognize, and not a soul I've met so far knows how to get there. I'm just a child, yet. Just a child that repeats what she hears. I still see the world through rose-colored glasses. I'm afraid that one day I'm going to get those glasses shattered, the glass forced into my eyes, my perception irreversibly marred. I'm terrified of that. I never want that to happen... but do I have to abandon my future to have that peace, that inner sanctuary in spite of all this havoc? Do I have to ostracize myself to save what's important to me? Is hiding my last means of protection from this? Man, forget what I said yesterday; I can really use D. Mech being around right now. I just hope he's willing to talk to me, considering what a crazy mofo I am... I read Persepolis yesterday. It hurt. Also saw District 9 last Saturday. I haven't found myself that emotionally involved with a film in ages. I strongly recommend you see it if it's still in. But back to class. Tomorrow morning, from 9 to 12, is Illustration. I like the professor, and the subject matter is interesting... but compared to the other students, I have no skill. I have virtually no previous art experience, having only been faced with 'real' art courses starting last year, and as a result I am already far behind in technique and base knowledge. Not only that, but I can't make connections with any fellow 'artists.' Maybe it's just immaturity on my part, maybe it's just this terrible blindness again. Nevertheless, neither my professors nor my counselors know what to tell me, so I'm walking in circles. Like a total bro. As for my other classes... It all banks on my dysphoria. It's terrible. The English professor puts far too much emphasis on the romantics in the pieces we read, and the Art History professor is not only young and blonde, but her voice sounds like syrup-laced cotton. It makes me horribly nervous, which is why I literally dread Tuesday/Thursday mornings. Not only that, but she made a very crude reference on the first day of class which I'm still having a hard time getting over. I spend my entire evenings in the cafe now. Last week I wrote music nonstop; got all my work for FFN finished, and two pieces for myself. This week I'll focus on drawing my art for Deevs, with some Dream World work here and there, maybe. I want to develop my OCs so badly... I still dream of making it into an OCT, but my story-writing skills and art speed aren't yet up to par. I'll have to do some practicing, not to mention finding an OC fit to enter. I have to be childishly blunt, though, and admit that the main reason I want to get into an OCT is so I will hopefully find people who love my characters as much as I do. Heck; I found Bluesky at random and look how terribly dear to me he is now! If someone cared about Hosea, or Kenzel, or Bastion, or Exile, or... geez, whoever I use, if even only one person adored them like I do, I would be blissfully happy. I guess that's all I want... for another connection where it matters. I miss my old connections so much. Not-so-off-topic note; I adore how Kiwi draws people (especially those noses!) so I'm going to study her art style for a while. I need to improve into something I'm happy with... so I guess that's a good first step. But it's ridiculously late again, and no matter what I say here, I still have to face this glitterspit depression tomorrow, as well as make it to class by 9AM. Off I go, then. It's not safe All the yellow birds are sleeping Cause the air's not fit for breathing It's not safe Why can't we be without beginning, without end? Why can't we be? And if I stop and talk with you awhile I'm overwhelmed by the scale Of everything you feel The lonely inner state emergency I want to feel until my heart can take no more And there's nothing in this world I wouldn't give I want to break the indifference of the days I want a conscience that will keep me wide awake I won't be disappointed I won't be disappointed I won't be. Post a comment in response: |
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