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f - r - a - g - m - e - n- t - e - d . I've SHATTERED. things make no sense things don't belong trapping killing ISN'T THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? DON'T LIE TO ME I don't want this. I don't want any of it. I don't it's the truth. it's the truth. it's the truth. it's the truth. it's the truth. it's the truth. it's the truth. then why doesn't it stop ? don't even look at me. don't pretend that you know what's right you're deluded and you're WRONG I've been winning for quite some time now and you don't LIKE that do you no you wait until the days when no one expects anything and you bury a serrated saw in my stomach shredding bones and blood stability and s s ss sanity from the inside o u t not an exaggeration not a childish assumption I'm tired of watching people die when they don't know it. you remember them you REMEMBER them all you USED him like a fucking guardrail a little bit of support when you were selfish enough to ASK not giving any thought to the person and seeing an object albeit unconsciously you do that to all of them, it seems. take the names and faces, paper-tape them to bits of pixels and photographs "this is who i leech from when i'm too lazy to solve my own problems" you do that to all of them; that's why you can't work with people you don't see individuals, you see moving mannequins living amalgamations of muscle and vein and bone it's the times when you let your blankwhite sockets do the seeing and you forget the souls behind their glassy irises that you turn into that hollow guillotine and chop them in half watching in a sick yet cold fascination as their gurgling red insides spill into your diseased hands and you shiver as you recognize the reflection in the bloody floors a facade. you're always wearing that goddamn gasmask you act so kind and understanding and when they turn around it's all you can do to keep from STRANGLING them for being the shallow things they are when you are e x a c t l y t h e s a m e you skeleton-fingered whore. I know EVERYTHING you have done. but there are no blue antelopes just violet axe-blades with eyes and you are a fucking hypocrite. but YOU are in there somewhere, the kid whose mind glows the color of roses in the dark, YOU are hiding, locked away, terrified at the persona you have created that has developed a ravenous lust for your self-destruction a hideous leviathan with your voice. ADMIT TO DEFEAT FOR YOU WILL NEVER LOSE. DON'T listen. DONT pretend that everything is going to be okay because it doesn't MATTER in the long run this time YOU'RE the one who's WRONG IT MATTERS and it's NEVER OKAY. you have far too much to live for, my little one. but the things I have are dying by my hands. He knows. That one over there, with the sad green eyes. his hands held tightly to the gem I gave him a vow I cannot take for granted He's seen the worst of it. I've felt more of his icy tears than I can handle seen the pain in his eyes when I tell him to stay away from me because I'm too destructive to be around. I've seen him sobbing in dreams even when I thought nothing could break him. He knows what's been going on. And God only knows how sorry I am. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so sick. I'm so lost. I'm so young. So foolish. So naive. So gullible. So selfish. So blind. Mister Sandman, give me a dream Make it the truest I've ever seen Give it the wisdom I can't seem to find Tell me that my heart can still be kind Mister Sandman, I'm so alone Don't have a mind to call my own Please tell me that it will be alright Sandman, I'm too scared to dream tonight. open his heart and open my eyes. or maybe it should be the other way around I don't know anymore. I really don't. and I don't have the right to say anything regardless. fools like myself should keep their filthy mouths shut quiet things tear me apart. I can no longer differentiate this reality from the others b r o k e n visions and UNUSUAL things. What no one expects; the out of the ordinary I can see it in their eyes when they look at me sometimes but then again that may just be a reflection of something::: something i do not fully understand or appreciate or even recognize. I should shut up, I'm truly making my(self) look like an absolute -fool -disaster -color spectrum -nobody. it frightens me when I'm asked to remember something and have no recollection of anything my memories are beginning to dissolve like methanol I take one step forward, and as I do, one step that I took in the past fades. i thought it was because of distance but it's actually because of time. I've slowed. I don't take many steps at all now for I have no idea where I am or what direction I need to pursue and as I stand here in the bleeding dimness, the steps I've taken keep dusting away like alice in wonderland. except this is no transient hallucination this is quite the living nightmare. sometimes I wish it would fade but then, I would be left with a life devoid of lessons yet to be learned and pain never felt. it's better to feel a sting than to go about living in empty 'contentment,' as so many do. i would much rather fight these demons than have nothing to defend and i would never surrender this piteously twisted conception of the world however I would much rather be free of the things that eat away at my mind. I will readily sacrifice whatever be needed (within reason) if it guaranteed the freedom of my personal will and the protection of those souls I care for so fervently. I am so tired. I can't hold on much longer but I will never let go. I know it's a one way track just tell me how long it will last. I'm not going to think this way Nor will I count on others. Close my eyes and feel it burn Now I see what I have to do. But I don't know if it's going to be all right... after all the last time I opened my heart, i found it torn to shreds and spattered over the walls it was still worth it, really. pain helps me see. but I just... ...I just need to lose this ice. this frost-laced barricade. Burning self-hatred does the impossible and fortifies the dull crystal walls a bitter refraction of regret glimmering mutely in their depths They find a way in and I lash out. Leave me here. Make me suffer for what I've done. Stop trying to forgive me when justice hasn't been dealt. They don't listen. So I'm left with this hideous contrition, this all-consuming remorse that threatens to end my life if I don't shape up fast. the echoes of my imminent demise keep ringing in my ears and I get a step closer each day as all my previous days disappear. My faulty choices have finally caught up with me. I'm sick. The convulsive haze that slinks behind my unfocused eyes now carries a foreboding heaviness, a restless weight that fills my blue veins with lead. I cannot comprehend what I see. The sounds that drift through my eardrums feel strained and blurred... worst of all, the things i should be feeling strike at all the wrong times leaving me hopelessly confused and the things i pray to escape catch me from behind with tar-pit needles stabbing until my senses collapse into numbness scraping out my ribcage and desecrating my mind with vices so I am left with nothing but the silent screams i have been choking on. If I could just go to sleep and stay there safe within a gilded red dreamcatcher i would. I can't face the tomorrows any more when i now know (through painful experience) that they usually end with the end of some part of me. but i have to. I'll pick up the chains I have unwittingly forged for myself and drag them along through the snow as I try just once more to find a fire a light that will burn away these heartless chains and burn through my mistaken thoughts until i can see. but i sound like a fool again. i keep losing. things, people, choices. i don't want to lose anymore. i don't want to lose anything. i just want to get out of here but i'm afraid i've lost the key to freedom and if i still have it i've forgotten how it looks. I'm so... shattered i guess. Post a comment in response: |
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