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I feel horribly sick. I promised you all a summary of my therapist appointment, but it was unfortunately extremely short. All she did was ask me (again) what my family was like, and batter me with the dreaded "are you a lesbian" "no" "are you sure" banter. Eh. I just hope we get somewhere, as she has a bad habit of 1) going in circles 2) changing the topic to her kids 3) getting very off topic. I'm seeing her again on Tuesday, though, and we'll be going through some of my personal notes so maybe then we'll accomplish something-- but I'm pretty sick over that too. If you want to know why, it's because I have a small striped journal that I just started using last November-- kind of like a 'placeholder' for when I'm not near a computer. Ironically, that's when a lot of awful stuff happens, so there are some harsh words in there... and that's what she wants to read. I'll have a lot of explaining to do. Oh well. I just hope it all works out. Not sure why I feel like updating here when I just super-updated my Scribbld (http://www.scribbld.net/users/spinningcannon/)... Oh well, guess it's just a journalling kind of night. Haven't broadcasted on UStream yet (hoping for Saturday but no guarantees), decided to keep that entry from two days ago, and am finally able to play Team Fortress on my laptop, which is awesome. I still like being able to grab a wireless controller and walk around the room while playing, haha. At least now I can play it outside of my living room! Portable stress relief ftw. Speaking of TF2, I apologize for the fave-spamming I've been doing on dA. It's just that those guys are helping me very much in staying mentally relaxed somewhat. When life gets rather rough like this, my head tends to latch onto certain ideas, concepts, people, etc. and focus on them almost obsessively just so it doesn't focus on the other stuff. Eh, it's also 1:25 AM already. I've been staying up until at least 2AM every night for over two weeks now, and that worries me. It helps me think straight, sure... but it's taking a huge toll on my morning mindset, as I end up being stupidly tired from several hours spent thinking about stress when I should have been sleeping. I... just don't like sleeping anymore. I only sleep to dream nowadays. Also, I have to share my room with my mother and grandmother, remember, and that's more than a little stressful for me. Not to mention, if they wake up angry, I'm the first one to get an earful of it. Amusingly enough, I'm not only more comfortable sleeping on the living room couch, but I get a sounder sleep there, haha. Not sure why, I just do. There's not much to talk about tonight, though, or at least nothing that hasn't been said before. I'd stay awake all night if I could, but I don't want to miss class again and my family would be seriously ticked off if I was still awake at 3, let alone 6. I don't know; it just all goes back to the "I desperately need to get out of here and learn how to live as an individual, not a puppet who has no clue what the real world is like" issue, which actually terrifies me on a daily basis. I have virtually nowhere else to go, I have nobody to turn to or stay with if need be (well, there's always Jacob, but I don't know if his family would want someone like me staying over), I have no knowledge of how society really works, and I'm so ridiculously naive that I'd probably get myself killed within a week. "Only the good die young," they say. "The innocent will never last." I don't know. I still have that back-of-my-mind thought that I'm going to die by next May, but we'll see. I might, I might not. The sobering part is that, considering my current physical/ mental/ emotional/ economical/ etc. states, I'm strongly beginning to think I might. "A Sudden Manhattan Of The Mind" just started playing on my Last.fm radio... and that song pretty much sums up everything I'm feeling right now, so I'll leave you with that and call it a night. http://www.last.fm/music/Max+Richter/_/A+Sudden+Manhattan+of+the+Mind Here's to the hope of tomorrow. Friday night I'll raise my glass and say "Tomorrow things will change! I can't afford to wait." But by Monday morning my alarm clock knows How this story goes, and the ending's the same as the start Another day, another night, another year Another smile, another lie, another tear This better not be all I got I never thought I'd end up here Watch your children around the abandoned well Don't ask me to tell if they slipped and fell I'm just a salesman with my suitcase in hand And the perfect plan that I'm working on. Post a comment in response: |
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