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Well, in case you kids didn't get the news, I've been diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder (NOT schizophrenia) and severe depression. I'm also now on meds for my ADHD, but it's not working yet (I'm still as stupidly distracted as ever) and the side effects are actually making my depression worse, haha. So yes. Just so you're up to date on the current events over here. As for the title... one of my random little wishes came true! I checked into Last.fm, and Dori was online at that very moment. That's never happened before, so it was quite a nice shock. Unfortunately, she's apparently listening to an Andrew Lloyd Webber CD, so I had to hunt it down on YouTube and watch it there, so it wasn't scrobbled. Oh well, I did what I could! Geez, I'm probably coming across as a ridiculously obsessive stalker or something. I hope not, because in all seriousness, little things like listening to her soundtracks are the only ways I can feel connected to her. Once again, I don't know. I like her, I admire her and I care for her, but I don't know if she would care at all. That's why I'm always hesitant to start any sort of social relationship with anyone-- I have this constant fear that the other person just won't care, and that sort of total rejection would kill me in a situation like this. Don't get me wrong, I was never a romantic and I really don't mind if someone would rather not be with me, but little things like rejection tend to hurt me a heck of a lot. I'm the sort of person that still sits back and wonders how the heck people can even consider withholding forgiveness from one another. Deep in my heart, I am still WAY too innocent, and as a result I bruise easily in that respect. So I'm hesitant. But we've already gone on and on about my indecisiveness concerning those two girls I hold dear, so let's jump to another subject for a little while. I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but ayamemaiden (http://ayamemaiden.deviantart.com/) and I started an art trade back in December: I'd draw Splash Woman, from Megaman 9, and she'd draw my muse Selph. Well, my part is finished-- I drew it back in January-- but I had a few problems arise-- first, my scanner broke, then I didn't have a scanner at all, then I had exams, so on and so forth. So, now that the spring semester is over and we finally found out how to work this new scanner, I can submit my artwork! Geez! I'm also improving somewhat, which is nice. I'm stil working like a maniac to get my entries in for that OCT I want to participate in... but the deadline's in two weeks and I just don't know if I'll have the time. I'll try my absolute best, though-- the characters I have for it are already too dear to me for me to just drop my efforts. The only thing bothering me right now is paneling style and perspective... man, I already had to cut out part of my audition because the backgrounds I needed were too freaking hard, haha. Anyway. I'm listening to vocoders inside broken piano strings as I watch words from three years ago~ basically. I've also found that I seem to understand very little. I think it's because I'm so different, different or strange. Both, perhaps. Maybe neither. Whichever it may be, there's something unusual about me that doesn't always feel quite right. I think about it often, when I dream in crowded concert halls and feel completely alone... when I stare up at the stars above the ocean and feel like I'm a part of everything. It makes no sense, sometimes. I've found that I love people even if I cannot comprehend their lives. I've made up my mind on one thing. I'm going to say something to Jena. I'm not sure what, not yet... but I'll think of something. Something memorable, something true, something that I hope she will stop and think about for a little while. When my words are that important, I want every last glimmer of their value to shine through, even if they only have pixels or graphite-lines to illuminate. I hope I'm not being selfish when I truly want her to think of me, even if it's only once, if only for a moment. I've just devoted so much time and inspiration and emotion to her distant existence that I'm dying for some sort of answer, a word of recognition from the world inside her photographs. I'm falling into strangely expressive language here; you can tell it's almost 2am and my shattered-glass consciousness is beginning to fade into... blue, or something. It's not quite here. Will I ever inspire someone else like this? Will someone, anyone, anywhere, ever find me purely by accident and suddenly find themselves completely captivated by my words and works? I have no idea, and I'm not looking for or demanding such a person, although it would be honorable, but I can't help but wonder if there are other souls so similar to mine out there. I wouldn't know, of course, because such a soul would keep their mouth shut even when they were wanting to speak more than anything. I can be such a fool; I can be so incredibly naive, you know? I still miss my little sister, oh do I miss her. I think about her every day, even though I know that she's moved on and is living a new life separate from the past we shared for such a short time. Sometimes it hurts, because I don't know if she still calls herself a little sister, to me or anyone else. All I know is that I'll always be here with open arms if she ever decides to say hello again. I guess it's her decision now. Little sister, I have faith in you, whatever you do and wherever you go. My words are all falling together now... Oh well. It happens. And yet I still wonder about Dori! My thoughts seem to run in circles at times. I'm so ridiculously tired. She hasn't been around in at least 3 hours and she's still battling confusion as well. Honestly, with all the honesty I have, I pray that she isn't battling her own mind like I am. Yes, I am still having horribly painful experiences upstairs, but those details shall remain a mystery for now. I shall simply mention the word 'disassociation' (although that is only a small part of the problem) and leave you to reflect on my old words for ideas, perhaps. But I want to say something to her as well. I have an entirely different and much more open-hearted option with her, as I will be unable to hide a single word if I say a single word. It's the truth! I would need to comment on her very journal, which is where I found her last summer. I don't know what I'd do after that, though. I'd be literally handing my life over to her, as she would then know my name and everything I have been thinking and feeling for as far back as she chooses to look. That may be bad, that may be good... but then again, she's left her life open for me to see, too, and I'm eternally thankful to her for that, as it's inspired me and moved me more than I've said to anyone. People do that to me, and when people catch me like she did, then it's all the more incredible. So I guess I'll just take a deep breath and hope for the best. I'm no longer making any sense. I'm still haunted by piano keys and old photographs and the echoes of memories that aren't mine. My reflection finally matches me a little, so maybe I should run before the shadows catch up to me. It's one in the morning but I cannot sleep I'm thinking about you If you were here I know you'd make that face, The one that makes me laugh Which one is that? So I'll sing this little song for you And hope that you know I'm thinking of you now. So I'll sing this little song for you alone Alone in my room It's one in the morning but I cannot sleep Lying here worried sick God, I hope she's alright now, I can't imagine what I'd do So I'm gonna say this little prayer for you And hope that you know I'm praying for you now So I'll say this little prayer for you alone Alone in my room Post a comment in response: |
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