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My therapists were always right about one thing. My biggest problem here is hypocrisy. I don't know. I'm told one thing this morning, and by the time the evening rolls around I'm being told the exact opposite. Better yet, when I confront them about it, they give me a senseless excuse or deny ever saying the opposite. I wish I knew why. I also wish I knew what was the truth. I wish I wasn't so hypocritical either. I'm so tired of the shouting. I'm so tired of the malice. I'm so tired of the spite. I'm so tired of the insults. I'm so tired of the prejudice. I'm so tired of the misunderstandings. I'm so tired of the lies. I'm so tired of the hate. My will to live is slowly deteriorating and that scares me. I've never felt this way before. I've always had a reason to keep going, and even though I still do, this bizarre strain of my home life is eating away at me so badly that I can't see straight. Jhonen Vasquez enlightened me in a very odd way, but nevertheless he helped me to see the delicate value of life, and the futility of throwing it away. The Jewel Monsters have given me a reason to live, cross my heart. Preludove is the ONLY reason I'm in college right now. Also, thanks to her, I've now met some beautiful souls like Hosea and Isabelle and Andrea and Halcyon and everyone else... hopefully God will see fit to bless me with a career that fully encompasses them. That's all I want in life is to inspire people... to move people, to let them feel exactly what I felt from the dreams I share with the world. God keeps me alive when everything else fails... if only for the sake of faith, for the sake of the good still left in my heart. I swear, even if everything else falls out from beneath me and leaves me bleeding in some metaphorical abyss somewhere, I doubt I'll be able to work up the nerve to die anyway, because that will be the final nail in the cross from me, so to speak. I can't. I can't hurt anyone anymore. I'm so sick of it. I don't know what's gone wrong with me. I've turned into a shadow of my former self, barely able to remember yesterday, blindly trying to make my way through this needle-edged fog I'm found myself in. Few things make any sense. What did make sense in the past is nothing but a jumble of nonsense now. I keep trying to escape... from everything, from anything... but I don't know where to go. I don't know how. No one has ever shown me what the real world is like, and I'm scared. One day the childhood threats of being thrown out on the street will become a cruel reality, and I'll have no idea what I'm supposed to do. And yet, I don't want to come home anymore. When I drive home from class and the sun is setting, I just want to keep on driving and not stop. I don't care where I end up, it doesn't matter in that moment. The only thing that matters then is making sure I never stop. Why? I don't even know why. That's why I start things and never finish, though. I have so many projects, ideas, assignments, jobs that I never finished... that I may not finish for years, that may stay 'works in progress' until the day I die. I don't want that, but I can't seem to help it. I start online journals and leave them to gather dust. I find message boards and communities and I leave my name in all of them, saying I'll be back, and then I wander off and never return. I keep leaving dA and all the people that actually care for me there. I keep wandering off and seriously debating whether I'll return or not. No, it's not for drama, it's not for attention. It's not for some silly reason like 'it's no fun anymore' or 'I'm so sick of these people' or 'FAVESPLZ' or anything like that. I just... I guess I'm just trying to cut the puppetstrings. That's not good, though. That's actually suicidal for me. The more I cut at my connections, the more I bleed. The more strings I snap, the more disconnected my mind gets. I don't know how many are actually broken now, but I pray to God that there aren't many. I don't want to be completely lost. I want at least one caring soul to run to if I need to. But then why in the world do I keep abandoning them? Why do I keep turning my back on them, if only to hide the fact that I'm openly sobbing because I don't know why I'm acting like this? I didn't lie when I said that I never stop loving people once I've cared for them once. I know I'm not the most trustworthy or reliable person out there... I don't blame anyone for not trusting me, seeing how I can be at times... but I swear that I really do care about all these people. I'm constantly being told that I don't care, that I can't love, that I don't ever think about anyone else. It hurts like a bullet through my heart, and it's all I can do sometimes to keep from exploding in sheer pain, but the hardest part is trying to keep believing the truth. I do care. I do love. I am empathetic, even though I frequently fear the opposite. But are my faults and sins blackening what's left of me? God, am I losing myself? They say there's always a chance left to be good, but... Geez, I know that humans my age regularly go through unstable times like this, but honestly, are they ever this bad? I don't want to write this off as just a stupid mood swing due to my unwanted biology. It's far too deep to be something as superficial as that. All my life I've been running. I don't even know what caused me to start running in the first place... I don't even know if I have a destination. Valentine is a wanderer. Gamboge is a wanderer. Volt is a wanderer. They're all far older and wiser than I am, though. I'm just blind. I'm terribly young, and I'm blind. I want someone to open my eyes. I don't care if they start bleeding, I don't care if I can't stop crying after that. I really don't. I just want to see the truth, for the love of heaven, I just want to see what it is I really should be caring about and worrying over and living in. I'm so tired of not understanding anything. So come on down and let it out Walk me through the corridors of fear It's not a dream without a doubt You try so hard to shut the feelings the out I lie awake and watch the stars A cry so far from where we are And in the haze of shattered light I break from the chains and drift into the night 'Cause I can't understand what's going on I can't understand what's going on And now it seems so long ago We talked for hours and missed the last train home But are we weightless being blown Far from the heart and far from all we've known? 'Cause I can't understand what's going on I can't understand what's going on You said our love transcends this life Now I know it's true So I cut my hands and I close my eyes So I can feel it too Post a comment in response: |
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