 |
|||||||||||||
 |
|
 |
|||||||||||
 |
 |
||||||||||||
There's a song by Rooney... "Are you afraid of me?" Are you? I don't know. What am I supposed to do? Somebody tell me, please. I know it's my decision. I know I should be honest. I also know that this thing holds all the secret, jagged pieces of my heart that I have never spoken aloud. See how dark my soul is sometimes? Even with all this light? I just hurt so much. I hope I'm not a bad person. I try not to be. I try so hard. But we're all sinners... Is my heart blacker than I realize? Dear God, I hope not.. I'm so ready to say everything, to everyone. I just want to kick away the restraints and do what my heart wants, you know? I just want to start running and never stop... And then nights like this I sit here at midnight with Orson on loop on my headphones The music is so loud... Worrying about what I've become Such a fucking monster of a soul Not a girl, not a guy But I'm happy. Is that right? I keep making huge mistakes, over and over and over again. I don't tell anyone About my darkest sins Or my brightest virtues. I keep them all quiet in my heart And I don't know why. I wish I did Because they really start to hurt after a while. I sit here and I worry With some awful heartache eating me alive again Good things and bad things The music keeps playing and I think About Laurie and why she does what she does to me About the wrongs I have committed About the mistakes and regrets of my life. I think About everything I have ever cried about About all the times I prayed until I couldn't form words anymore About all the times I was scared to death because I really thought I had damned myself Despite all my contrition. I sit here at 12AM and I think About how many people I have inspired About all the good things I have done for them and to them About all the bright memories and smiles of my life. I think About everything that ever moved me to tears About all the times I prayed until I couldn't possibly count all my blessings About all the times I was scared to death because I wasn't sure if I could save someone Despite all my efforts. I think about how many people I love. I realize how very little I say so. I realize just how much each and every one of them means to me. Every one of them. For two decades, every single soul that I have ever loved in some way... I can't forget them. Ever. I love them all so much. Humans and monsters and those inbetween. Young and old and ageless. Here and there and God knows where. Everyone that I have ever met, every soul that has ever touched mine. It doesn't matter to me what people say. It doesn't matter. This is me. This is my life. This is my heart. This is the truth. I cannot deny this. Any of it. Know Thyself. That's what he said to me. I promised him that I would try. I promised him that I would never forget, that I would do my best to stay true to my heart. For a while I was afraid that I had forgotten. But I haven't. You see these words... all these words. I haven't forgotten. I haven't forgotten any of them. I haven't forgotten any of their words. I haven't forgotten what I feel. Why am I still so afraid? Afraid of what, she asks. Afraid of... everything, I guess. Of the impact this will have. Of what people will say and do. Of what will happen to my life. But even as I type The purple girl smiles at me And I realize just how silly it all sounds. The impact, the reactions, the effect really doesn't matter. I made up my mind years ago. 1998. A certain blue and white soul that taught me so much. "Don't ever give up!" These truths are who I am. Everything. I don't want to hide my heart anymore. If the world hates me for it... Let it hate me. The martyrs were hated too. So were the prophets. And so are everyday souls that just try and live to their absolute best. You go against the norm No matter how corrupt or false that norm is No matter what it destroys or defeats You go against it Even with your heart And you suffer for it. You hurt, you bleed. Sometimes it scars. But you live on. As long as you don't let the world change who you truly are You live on. Stay true to yourself. "Don't deny it." Remember when I used to say that, back in 2003? Don't deny a single truth. This is all bound to be read one day anyway. One day, they will all know. They will all understand. Judgment day or tomorrow afternoon, I can't be sure. But it will happen someday. I just have to take the first step. I have to face these fears and hesitations I have to stay strong I have to realize all those standing behind me Supporting me I have to realize that God is still guiding me Regardless of everything Because I really am trying And I really want to do the right thing That's all. I just want to do the right thing. I want to glow. I have so much light, so much love. I think back to that one night when Chaos and I were talking about lights. All sorts of them. How many you could see out there at night... pretend that's the world, remember? You take one little light You turn it off And suddenly the world is a little less beautiful A little less bright. So many little lights. Some of them are candles Some lamps. Some streetlights. Some are blazing fires Some are floodlights Some are spotlights Some are searchlights. He said I was a searchlight. I said no, there's no way I can be that bright, that big. He reminded me what it is that I live for. I try my best To shine as brightly as I can For everyone that can see me And I shine my light at those dark clouds That hide so many lights So many stars. I want to chase away that darkness And let them shine for all to see. Is that what I am? A searchlight? Searching for souls to help Searching for the truth in my own Always looking Always running. It sure feels like it sometimes. I just want to be a light. An inspiration. A motivation. I want to shine a little love on your life Whoever you are. You could be the one person I've always dreamed of knowing And to think If I had let fear Doubt Hesitation Rule me instead I would never have met you. Any of you. Instead I chose to be a light Despite all my sins Despite all my faults Despite all my mistakes. I can still do good. There's a little good in everyone. No exceptions. That's the truth. And this is mine. We've been waiting so long, We've been waiting for the sun to rise and shine Shining still to give us the will Can you hear me, the sound of my voice? I am here to tell you I have made my choice I've been listening to whats been going down There's just too much talk and gossip going round You may think that I'm a fool, but I know the answer Words become a tool, anyone can use them Take the golden rule, as the best example Eyes that have seen will know what I mean The time has come to take the bull by the horns We've been so downhearted, we've been so forlorn We get weak and we want to give in But we still need each other if we want to win Hold that line, baby hold that line Get up, boys, and hit 'em one more time We may be losing now but we cant stop trying So hold that line, baby hold that line If you don't know what to do about a world of trouble You can pull it through if you need to And if you believe its true, it will surely happen Shining still, to give us the will Bright as the day, to show us the way Somehow, someday We need just one victory and we're on our way Praying for it all day and fighting for it all night Give us just one victory, it will be all right We may feel about to fall but we go down fighting You will hear the call if you only listen Underneath it all, we are here together Shining still. Post a comment in response: |
| © 2002-2008. Blurty Journal. All rights reserved. |