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rae (specklesofme) wrote,
@ 2003-05-03 11:13:00
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    Current mood:drained
    Current music:none. except some crazy song running through my head

    so let's see, last time i updated was sunday. yeh, things are entirely all turned around au moment. making for a very depressed rachel.
    jeff and i talked everything over again on thursday night. he doesn't want anything over the summer, which while i understand [it's not like we're really gonna see each other at all] i'm pissed about too. and i think i've come to the conclusion that it's because i feel that we're not taking advantage of these feelings, and this opportunity. we're letting it go to waste. and that's aggrivating because i haven't had feelings like these in forever. if ever. and i really do like him, and i want to be with him. he says we'll still talk over the summer and stuff, and if we get back in the fall and whatever's there is still there, then we can try it - but i dunno. i feel like it's gonna be a busy as hell summer for me and that i dunno. i guess i'm afraid that at least i'm gonna change by the time summer's over; that's what always happens and so we're essentially just letting these feelings go to waste and not acting on them. and i see his point, that we won't see each other at all over the summer, which makes for a really really tough way to start a relationship. and it's an entirely logical argument. but i dunno, isn't it too logical in a way? i feel like he's thinkin too much with his head, as opposed to just feeling with his heart. and what's more depressing is that i can't make him want to do anything, so just because i think it'd be a good thing just to try over the summer, it's not like that's gonna do any good to tell him, i of all people know that it's impossible to have a relationship where only one person wants to be a part of it. i dunno, this is too depressing. and i've been so depressed, all day yesterday was rachel being in a hohum mood, not wanting to do anything. this isn't to say that i didn't laugh or smile, just that i wasn't in a good mood. adrienne knows it. we were at breakfast, and she just kept waiting for me to tell her, it was funny. she was asleep when i left to go over there [and when i left, i had only intended on getting a good night kiss, but it seems like there will be no physical contact involved besides hugs.....grrrr] and returned two hours later. she knew i wasn't happy. it's good to have someone like her. she was fighting with justin last night when i came back from some party [not entirely sober but ridiculously coherent. i didn't even feel like i'd been drinking. why? 'cause i stuffed myself. i learn very fast.] i just asked her if she was alright, and then if she was fighting with him and then when she got into bed she just started talking about it. we haven't done stuff like that for awhile; probly because she and justin haven't been fighting really at all recently. this was the first one in awhile.
    oh man, so for my big ol porno project for feminist theories, we were looking through the magazines some more yesterday, and there's an article in penthouse about how ''feminists have hijacked education''. it's the most ridiculous article i've ever read i think. the statistics don't really prove anything, other than there are more women enrolled in post-secondary schools than men. it makes claims that money equals happiness [i swear to god that's almost verbatim], that men are going to have to do the jobs that women don't want to do/refuse to do [guess what?? people in low-paying jobs do them anyways, and yes there are men that already do those jobs] it even makes the ridiculous claim that having more higher-educated women is going to put the ''traditional family formation'' at risk. now my question is: the tradiational family formation is already a problem, is it not????? what the hell would be wrong with making it evolve??? and he's insinuating that any changes that would be made would be for the worse. grrrr. oh yes, and one of my favorites. he's talking about how fewer men are enrolling in the social sciences and humanities than ever before [uh yes, if there are more women in college, then the percentage of men participating in these programs is going to go down...]: "where they are still going is into hard science or business, fields where they know will make them enough money to attract a quality woman and raise a family comfortably". i can't even breathe. first of all, apparently all the 'quality women' are attracted to money....and men areresponsible for the income that allows them to raise a family 'comfortably' now....all sexist things aside, are these not really really classist assumptions here???? the list just goes on and on with this article. so emilie regina and i decided we're going to write a letter, just to write it, respond to the article, not even necessarily attack the magazine for it's content just the author for his ridiculous article that really doesn't say anything of substance. it'd be really really cool if it got published, but i doubt that it will. it'll still be good to write it though.
    um, what else. nothing i guess. i went to that party last night and was definitely not in the mood; john walked me back and i sat online, talked to jeff for a little bit [he's at home. he left while i was doing my project, but he walked me to the library when i was leaving for it.....this is why i'm so frustrated. everything says i like you and want to be with you, and yet he won't go that extra step to just say yes. he's afraid of getting too involved over the summer - sometimes i think he's almost too intense - of getting so wrapped up in it and yet not having any outlet other than the phone (which we both dislike) and he doesn't want to do that. that's what he's afraid of. i just want to go home at this point, get out of all of this. stop having to look it in the face....just go home, run lots, work lots, hang out with my family lots. even just seeing them run through the house trying to leave.....rar. but i'm stuck here for one more week. one more. i can do one more week. i've been here....dear lord, well, six or seven weeks since spring break. i did fourteen from august to thanksgiving.] alright, i'm either gonna get dressed and go to breakfast, or start studying. i can't decide. later.

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