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so i've had an interesting week to say the very least. we were performing the vagina monologues all week. sooo tired. wednesday jeff and i had our little talk about what happened last friday. we both admitted screwing up and we just left it and we're fine now. thing is though, that was the first normal fight i've ever had in my life. ever. fighting's always meant anger and pain and crying and confusion and manipulation and guilt [always on my part]. i don't know how to have a healthy fight. as a result i tend to avoid confrontation and just leave things and work it out on my own. anyways, that was huge for me, and it got my wheels turning. but he didn't come to class on thursday so i didn't see him there, but he was at the monologues and i kind of..i dunno out of nervousness i guess, just 'got caught up' with everyone else and didn't go out to see him. but whatever. so friday there was the cast party. oh lord. seriously should've eaten before i decided to drink vodka and orange juice. a lot of it. and then added some whiskey and then some beer. definitely was puking. and poor jeff and mel and age were trying to take me home and i kept telling them no, i was fine, i just wanted to sit out in the rain. oh man did i pay for it though. i felt like shit all day yesterday. considering i only slept for four hours though. oh god. anyways, here's the long version of the story. so i was doin' alright, little tipsy when we got to thecast party but extremely coherent and still able to walk straight. i'm just sittin with mel and age kinda watchin everybody 'cause i was exhausted and whatnot. but mel goes, dude, jeff's here come on. so we walk out, and i'm tellin her she's lyin to me because he wasn't in the other room, but he walked in from one of the corners or something. so we're all standing there talking and jeff wants a cigarette so of course i go out with him, but take mel's sweatshirt because mine's was in the other room. so we're standing outside talking with this other girl. somewhere in there i finish my little mixed drink and am really just listening to them talk about stuff, other people are joining and leaving. at some point jeff handed me a snapple bottle, and in my innebriated state i didn't even think about what it was that i was drinking, but it was definitely whiskey. i just took one sip. then at some other point he took it out to drink and i took it and had another sip. yeh. way to go me. then cappizoli came over and took someone's forty and i ended up with his can of beer. only took a few sips - still ridiculous though. eventually jeff and i got left alone and we started makin out, but he pulled back after...a minute? not very long. and he was like uh, are you sure you wanna do this? and of course i say yes. and he was just like yo, are you drunk? and i nod my head, because at this point i know i'm ridiculous. but we start again, and he pulls away again and is just says, look i really really like you as more than a friend, but i don't want you to regret anything tomorrow. so he asked me, and i tell him no, i know i won't. and we start again and he pullls away AGAIN. i'm not frustrated though, because well....i'm drunk. and he's swearing, saying he wishes we both weren't drunk. i think at some point i told him i trusted him, that i never trust guys. and that i'm very attracted to him physically [god, part of me wishes i didn't remember this]. so i told him if he wasn't sure we would wait though. and i meant that, but at this point standing isn't going so well for me, so i crouch down, and i dunno how much after, i end up puking and sitting on my ass. keep in mind it's raining the entire time. entire time. mel and age come out to find me and they get real mad at jeff, asking him what he did. well mel did, age knew it was my fault. she knows i'm the only one responsible for myself, and knows that i think that way too. so then i'm telling them i'm fine, i just want to stay where i am and i'll be fine. they're rubbing my back, jeff's threatening to pick me up. and still insisting at this point that i'm fine. they pick me up and for some reason we end up on the other side of the patio and i'm leaning over flower boxes, telling them i'm alright 'cause i'm from cleveland [now, here's the thing. i was definitely thinking that if i could remember pertinent information about myself, and tell them this, i thought i'd convince them i was fine]. and yes, that is the new quote in our group and i will never live it down. adrienne just yelled at me and told me i always had cleveland on the brain. ha. then i'm asking them how they're gonna get me in bed, and age says she's just gonna put me in hers, and she'll sleep on the top. but i tell them no, i can't do that 'cause she's gonna have sex there tomorrow night [apparently at this point jeff was falling over laughing at me, and age was mad that i told everyone her business. mel just thought i was being stupid]. oh yes, i had a hot dog bun at that point, 'cause i had told mel i needed some food, and all they had was a hotdog bun. apparently i tried to bite it, spit it out and threw it away. then five minutes later i wanted it again [oh god. i am such an asshole. i can't believe this.] then they finally get me up and take me inside, where jenn watts looks at me and goes ''i love you rachel speck'' and i cordially return the affection. we get leah out of the bathroom so i can puke some more, wipe myself off and flush the toilet [all by myself!] they wouldn't leave me there though 'cause there were apparently people who needed to pee. and i told them that's fine, i'll puke in the tub and they can use the toilet. only they didn't think this was a good idea, so they got me up and we walked home. age had my right hand, and my left hand was holding jeff's, and all my weight was on his forearm. so he pretty much carried me back. and i was being an idiot when we got to the gates, age had to get my id out for me, hand it to me so i could hold it out and then after we passed the gate just kept holding it. i recall her telling me to hold it like a big girl. she had to take it back, i think i told her to put it back in my butt [i couldn't think of the words back pocket....] so we get back to the room, and i get my socks and shoes off sit down and start undoing my pants, at which point jeff got really uncomfortable. but no worries, i just had to pee. so i yell something about them having to plus the code in for me [though i actually did it. it took me a couple tries, but i got the door open. or at least unlocked. i think mel opened it for me cause that door is heavy as shit and i'm pretty sure i couldn't've opened it in my state] so i'm barefoot in the bathroom, which jeff is yelling at me about [he doesn't remember this though] and i'm just peeing to my heart's content. apparently my feet were dangling off the toilet and i got some toilet paper stuck to my feet and i couldn't get it off. that was adrienne's favorite part, watching me try to shake the paper off [i don't so much remember this, i remember my feet dangling though]. jeff left at this point, apparently he couldn't handle me peeing or something. he was drunk though too, just not as wasted as me. anyways, wash my hands [all by myself! i even turned the faucet off!!!] get back to the room, puke a little more in the trash and age and mel decide to put me in pj's. i don't remember getting my pants on, i think i was standing though and age was holding them open for me. age took my shirt off, and mel suggested she take the bra off, but age said no, put the pajama shirt on first. [haha] and that happened, they threw my afghan over me 'cause mel was afraid of me getting hypothermia [dude, alcohol keeps you surprisingly warm] but when i say over, i mean threw it over my head, and so i lay down and start talking at them. mel threw my fleece blanket over my feet, which were apparently frozen, and then lay down on them, rubbing my legs, [she was really worried!!!] i continue to tell them that i think jeff and i were makin out but i wasn't sure, and oh yeh, i had some beer too. and that i was such an asshole, and please don't let me do this ever again [and mel, thinking semi-coherently, though i don't know why she thought i would get anything out of this, goes "rachel, you aren't the kind of person to have anyone let you do anything"] right as she is, in my drunken state i had no idea what she was saying, only that she was saying it. apparently i kept talking to them and fell asleep as soon as i finished a sentence. so they just left me there. i remember jeff coming back and giving age his cell phone number in case she needed it. and i guess he called later on too, just to check up. i know i woke up a little before seven and tried to get into bed. i succeeded, but not after swaying a bit on the ladder. but then i was awake until i had to get up and get ready to go meet emilie and regina for our group conversation project thingy [of all the days to have to watch five hours of porn....i swear to you. when you're hungover, this is not so hot of an idea. there were moments where i thought i was gonna puke again. except there was nothing left to puke] later on i went over to jeff's room, just to talk and hang out and whatnot. his friend matt was there whom i've never hung out with, but i've met, cause he went here last year, but has since dropped out. he's good friends with andy. sigh. who was at the monologues on friday. sigh. anyways, matt hung out for a few hours, and then he left and it was just me and jeff. and we were just talking. taking our time, discussing things. clearing up my half of the drunken night's conversation. we came to the conclusion that we just need time to think about it. that neither of us wants to be hurt, which is kind of the nature of the game, you know? and i kinda told him that, but he also mentioned not being sure whether or not he wanted to risk our friendship. so we talked some more, about my horrific day of porn watching, just whatever came up. and then we made out for a bit. talked for a bit, made out for a bit. just a very comfortable evening. we weren't going fast or anything, just making out, all clothes on. i'm happy that it happened. i'm not ecstatic, not regretful, just content i guess. it kinda sucks that it's the end of the year, and that i'll be 500 miles away for about four months. on the plus side, he's touring this summer, and he thinks he'll come to cleveland twice [sweeeeeet. how awesome would that be?] so yes, we just decided to each think it over. i honestly don't know what i'm thinking. i kind of feel like how it was last night was what i want. it doesn't need to go anywhere past there, not for now. so i don't really care which way it goes, i still really like him, and i still really want to hang out with him and talk with him. i guess i don't really know what there is to decide for me. i don't know what he's gonna come back with. i almost feel like he just doesn't trust me enough. like i haven't earned it yet. and i don't know how to do that, i suppose just in time. all i know for now i guess is that i don't wanna push it. that i don't want to rush into things i just want to take my time. it's a weird feeling. being this secure with something like this. i think it has to do with the fact that i trust him. more than i've ever trusted one of my guy friends. i think maybe i trust john in the same way too, but i hold back with him 'cause i know he really likes me. i guess the only thing that's crossed my mind in the way of reservations is anne. i know they're really good friends, and that's fine, and i know that he likes me. i guess, i dunno, i get the feeling that she really really likes him. and i feel bad, kind of like i just showed up and took him or something. i mean, i know that's not what happened, but still, kind of what it feels like. i dunno. alright, off to my german paper that is in massive need of attention [i should read the book first, don't think?] later gators. 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