|Current mood:|| guilty|
|Current music:||Moonlight Sonata|
The Past and the present
In my past there have been things that I have done that I am not proud of, i assume that it is this way for everyone in the world. Most people this day in age have skeletons in their closet, where mine were obtained under the direction of others, why listen you ask...its simple duty is the answer. At any rate the situations was handled in a very efficient manner, I however could have had the same efficiency in a less brutal and final matter but I did not care at the time. It changed the way people loked at me when they learned of my actions. But I found a way to justify it and it still haunts me. There was a man named Ryan Long that was with me when this all happened, he was like me a specialist, and a good friend we all called him "Tilley" tilley was my battle buddy in training, my friend after training, however the government split us up, not unusual for such things to happen, especially when dealing with the military. I unfortunatly was injured and am now out of the army, this is not my swish but apparently I cannot change this fact. The otherday i was scanning the Coalition casualties list, Tilley's name was on it, he died in action in northern Iraq, and I was not there. I dont know why i blame myself or why in my mind i can bring myself to believe that his fate would have been different if I was there. But I cannot change the way I feel about it.
As for the present i have placed myself in another situation that I unfortunatly handled more tactically than judgementally... This has cost me a woman that I love, I would like to think that I can fix this but I am not sure if i can. the Truth of the matter is I hadndled it with utter cold efficienty based on what is turning out to be bad intelligence. If she does happen to read this I would hope that she realizes that she is my life, the one I love and more than anything the only person that I trusted to listen and be there, even if I didnt take advantage of it very often it was still nice knowing that there was some that loved me for what I am, and not question the things ive done because of what they are.