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Damn the emotions (spatz) wrote,
@ 2004-04-05 07:52:00
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    Current mood:dead
    Current music:Blindside - All of us

    I havn't talked about it.. because i've figured people who read this are sick of my break up entries. Amanda and i broke up like..fucking 2 weeks ago i guess? Cause of a damn letter... a fucking letter from..that guy.. And i just dont understand how she could do that i guess. How she could run back to..that. I just don't understand how she could say those sweet things and then beg for me to let her go.. I'm never in a great mood.. over the weekend i was at wade's..yeah it was as fun as it could be.. Infact it was one of my better weekends actually.. i got to see rachel and everything. I just make it miserable. I destroy it by thinking. Wade meant this great girl.. Seriously when he talks about it i get so envious us. It's weird. But am i mad at him? he deserves a great girl, and it sounds like he's getting one. So yeah, happy for Wade.. But dammit, i just dont understand. And i just can't help but caution wade into the bad things that can happen. Because damn..he's falling deep..he's starting to sound like me.. and thats no good. I told him that he has to risk getting hurt..badly. He says there is no way this girl could hurt him. I dont know. Hopefully things go good for him. Really. I just wish Amanda and i could just be together.. i really do.. it's so stupid though.. I'm so mad. I'm so mad at her, and I tell her I'm not. When she says she's sorry it just makes me feel more like hell. It makes me feel bad that I'm so miserable.. and she's actually..happy. And I'll i really wanted for her was to be happy.. and now she is. Jaynie and her are friends again and, she's seeing old friends.. Things are just brightening up for her again. She's beggining to be the stewie I meant again.. And i don't like it.. though that's why I liked her in the first place.. I hate this. I hate everything. I've been a dick since we broke up. I'm never in a good mood, and i've been getting pissed about the stupidist shit. I've been an ass hole. Rachel said the other night.. "I wanted to see Zach. I don't even know who the fuck you are." ..and rachel dosn't get mad at me. I don't know what is going on. I don't understand. Many people don't know what I've been thinking. Many think I'm okay. But then whn they get to me, i flip and then they know something is wrong.. I walked into english class this moring, and I guess i looked bummed.. My friend "turd"..yeah, we call him turd. He was just trying to cheer me up and he said "What's the matter zach? Little philly break your heart?" (you know.. the thing from dumb and dumber..) and i replied with "shut the fuck up", and I just sat there and everybody kind of glanced at me, then looked away.. Everybody just fucking look away before you burn your eyes.. I'm so sick of my pathetic self. I can't get over how fucking low i have gotten. I wish I could get back up again. Iv'e already gone through the denile stage.. where you tell yourself nothing is wrong.. I was doing that like last week or so I think.. I'd laugh and act retarded just to make myself think I was okay. But then I woke up again. I wish I could just stay in a slumber forever. I'm tired of being awake. I'm basically killing myself slowly by beating myself down all the time. I just can't help it. If I laugh, i tell myself. "wait, this isn't right.. You can't laugh, you hate yourself.." and I don't mean to. THere it literally this voice inside my had that tells me these things. If I laugh I snap back into reality and i hate everything again. I just wish I could be happy and stay that way. But no.. I can't..that's not me. Fate won't let that be me.
    There's this roy guy who want's to kick my ass. He has a problem with me cause i'm a "bitch". He started harassing me when I was down town this weekend saying he's heard I've been talking shit and that I want to fight him. Yeah i DID want to fight him, and if I was myself.. I could take him.. I know i could have. People..just don't fight me.. they know that. And if they don't they soon do.. But I'm not me anymore.. so, now I'm scared to fight him.. because i don't think I can do it now.. Ask me that question a month ago, and i would have been like "hell yeah, he's gonna be fucking his ear when i get through with him." (and i've always kept my word.) But now.. I don't think I can. I feel so weak. I just wish i could go away.. I kind of hope roy just attacks me.. Because..I don't care. I just want somebody to beat the shit out of me. I 'm sick of being this way. Somebody shoot me, I'll leave the money for you on my dresser...

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