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It has come to my attention that I am not an Amblyopsis rosae. The Amblyopsis rosae, aka the Ozark Cave Fish is one of those strange species of swimmything that after millions of years living in the cold, dark water has gone completely blind. Apparently it is thoroughly happy, swimming blindly in the near-freezing cave water for hours on end. This is how I know I am not a Cave Fish. My best pal Cassie has been on a health kick, and has lost a mess of weight. She went to a dietician, and eats like 1200 calories a day supplemented by some protein powder drink that comes in giant plastic urns. It's very commendable in a stay-away-from-me-with-that-stuff sort of way. She even works out. So recently she's started swimming, which sounds lovely, and very much like something I would do. At 5:30 a.m., in a 68 degree spring-fed pool. Which does not. I have known myself for almost my whole life. People who have known me for a little over a day could tell you with certainty that I am not the sort of girl who likes to be doing anything in the morning other than sleeping, or other domestic tranquilities. They could probably have told you that being blind, wet, and freezing on a pre-dawn morning is not my idea idea of a good time. They are a lot smarter than I am. Foolishly, in a show of friendly solidarity, I agreed to go swimming with Cassie on Monday morning, bright and early. Only it was 5:30, so it wasn't bright. Of course, one might venture to say there is nothing bright about the whole idea. Of course, I got home about 3:00 a.m. from Michael's and was in no mood to do anything but sleep. I called Cass, said "uh...I can't make it, I just got home" she was a good sport, because that's probably the only sort of sport she knows how to be, and let me slumber. Yesterday, figuring I would be well rested this morning, I agreed to give it one more try. I woke up and even donned my stylish blue swimsuit with tiny white polkadots. I stepped outside. I stepped right back inside. While looking for my nipples, which had fallen off in the brief second I was outside, the phone rang. It was, of course, Cassie. "Cass, it's ridiculously cold out" "You don't have to go if you don't want to" "Seriously, have you been outside?" "Ellie, you really don't have to go" "I can't find my nipples, I think they're cowering under the couch in fear" "I can go by myself" "I'll go if you want me to, really. I'm even in my swimmysuit" "really...you don't have to go" "...Okay, havefunbye!" *click* Later this morning I saw my redheaded duckling, and said with all sincerity"well, maybe some time in the summer I can go...when it's hot." Ladies and gentlemen...please place your bets. Post a comment in response: |
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