| Current mood: |  awake |
| Current music: | Movie Soundtrack music |
Will Ferrell (formerly of SNL) gives a Harvard Commencement speech. Crazy Ivy Leaguers.
352nd Harvard Commencement
Thursday, June 5, 2003
Class Day speech
June 4, 2003
Will Ferrell
This is not the Worcester, Mass Boat Show, is it? I am sorry. I have made a
terrible mistake. Ever since I left "Saturday Night Live," I mostly do
public speaking now. And I must have made an error in the little Palm Pilot.
Boy. Don't worry. I got it on me. I got the speech on me. Let's see. Ah,
yes. Here we go.
You know, when Bill Gates first called me to speak to you today, I was
honored. But when he wanted me to be one of the Roxbury guys, I -- Sorry,
that's Microsoft. I'm sorry about that. Star Trek Convention. No. NRA.
NAACP. Dow Chemical. No. But that is a good one. That is a good speech. The
University of Michigan Law. Johns Hopkins Medical School. I'm sorry. Are you
sure this is not the boat show? No, I have it. I do have it on me. I do.
It's here. Thank you.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Distinguished Faculty, Administrators, Friends and
Family and, of course, the graduating Class of 2003, I wish to say hello and
thank you for bestowing this honor upon me as your Class Day speaker. After
months of secret negotiations, several hundred secret ballots, and a weekend
retreat with Vice President Dick Cheney in his secret mountain bunker, a
Class Day speaker was chosen, and it was me. You obviously have made a grave
error. But it's too late now. So let's just go with it.
Today's speech is going to be a little different, a little unorthodox. Some
of you may find it to be shocking. I'm not going to stand up here and try to
be funny. Because even though I am a professional comedian of the highest
caliber, I've decided to do one thing that a lot of people are probably
afraid to do, and that's give it to you straight.
As most of you are probably aware, I didn't graduate from Harvard. In fact,
I never even got a call back from Admissions. Damn you, Harvard! Damn you! I
told myself I would not get emotional today. But damn it, I'm here, and
sometimes it's just good to cry.
I'm not one of you. Okay? I can't relate to who you are and what you've been
through. I graduated from the University of Life. All right? I received a
degree from the School of Hard Knocks. And our colors were black and blue,
baby. I had office hours with the Dean of Bloody Noses. All right? I
borrowed my class notes from Professor Knuckle Sandwich and his Teaching
Assistant, Ms. Fat Lip Thon Nyun. That's the kind of school I went to for
real, okay?
So my gift to you, Class of 2003, is to tell you about the real world
through my eyes, through my experiences. And I'm sorry, but I refuse to
sugarcoat it. I ain't gonna do it. And I probably shouldn't use the word
"ain't" during this day in which we celebrate education. But that's just the
way I play it, Homes.
Graduates, if you will indulge me for a moment, let me paint a picture of
what it's like out there. The last four or, for some of you, five years
you've been living in a fantasyland, running around, talking about
Hemingway, or Clancy, or, I don't know, I mean whatever you read here at
Harvard. The Novelization of the Matrix, I don't know. I don't know what you
do here.
But I do know this. You're about to enter into a world filled with hypocrisy
and doublespeak, a world in which your limo to the airport is often a
half-hour late. In addition to not even being a limo at all; often times
it's a Lincoln Towncar. You're about to enter a world where you ask your new
assistant, Jamie, to bring you a tall, non-fat latte. And he comes back with
a short soy cappuccino. Guess what, Jamie? You're fired. Not too hard to get
right, my friend.
A world where your acting coach, Bob Leslie-Duncan -- yes, the Bob
Leslie-Duncan -- tells you time and time again that you will never, ever be
considered as a dramatic actor because you don't play things real, and are
too over the top. Amazing! Simply amazing!
I'm sorry, graduates. But this is a world where you aren't allowed to use
your cell phone in airplanes, during live theater, at the movies, at
funerals, or even during your own elective surgery. Apparently, the Berlin
Wall went back up because we now live in Russia. I mean just try lighting up
a cigar in a movie theater or paying for a dinner for 20 friends with an
autograph. It ain't that easy. Strong words, I know. Tough talk. But more
like tough love. Because this is where my faith in you guys comes into play,
Harvard University's graduating Class of 2003, without a doubt, the finest,
most talented group of sexual beings this great land has to offer.
Now I know I blew some of your minds with my depiction of what it's really
like out there. But if anyone can handle the ups and downs of this crazy
blue marble we call Planet Earth, it's you guys. As I stare out into this
vast sea of shining faces, I see the best and brightest. Some of you will be
captains of industry and business. Others of you will go on to great careers
in medicine, law and public service. Four of you -- and I'm not at liberty
to say which four -- will go on to magnificent careers in the porno
industry. I'm not trying to be funny. That's just a statistical fact.
One of you, specifically John Lee, will spend most of your time just hanging
out in your car eating nachos. You will all come back from time to time to
this beautiful campus for reunions, and ask the question, "Does anyone ever
know what happened to John Lee?" At that point, he will invariably pop out
from the bushes and yell, "Nachos anyone?!" At first, it will scare the crap
out of you. But then you'll share a laugh with your classmates and
ultimately look forward to John jumping out of the bushes as a yearly event.
I'd like to change gears here, if I could. Talk a little bit about "Saturday
Night Live." Now, during my 18-year stint on the show, I had the chance to
play or impersonate some very interesting people, none more interesting than
our current President, Mr. George W. Bush. Now in some cases, you actually
have contact with some of the people you play. As a byproduct of this former
situation, the President and myself have become quite good friends. In fact,
I might even call him a father figure of sorts, granted a dim-witted father
figure who likes to take a lot of naps and start wars, but a father figure
nonetheless.
When I told the President that I'd be speaking here today, he wondered if I
would express some sentiments to you. And I said I'd do my best. So, if you
don't mind, I'd like to read this message from the President of the United
States.
- -----
Students, Faculty, Families and Distinguished Guests, I just want to take
time to congratulate you on your outstanding achievement as graduates of the
Class of 2002. The great thing about being the Class of 2002 is that you can
always remember what year you graduated because 2002 is a palindrome which,
of course, is a word or number that is the same read backwards or forwards.
I'll bet you're surprised I know that word, but I do. So you can suck on it.
Make no mistake, Harvard University is one of the finest in the land. And
its graduates are that fine as well. You're young men and women whose
exuberance exude a confident confidence of a bygone era. I believe it was
Shakespeare who said it best when he said, "Look yonder into the darkness
for knowledge onto which I say go onto that which thou possess into thy
night for thee have come with only a single sword and vanquished thee into
darkness."
I'm going to be honest with you, I just made that up. But I don't know how
to delete it from the computer. Tomorrow's graduation day speaker is former
President of Mexico Ernesto Zedillo. Ernie's a good man, a deeply religious
man, and one of the original members of the Latino boy band Menudo. So
listen up to Ernie. He was at the beginning of the whole boy band explosion.
As you set off into the world, don't be afraid to question your leaders. But
don't ask too many questions at one time or that are too hard because your
leaders get tired and/or cranky. All of you sitting here have the brightest
of futures ahead. Many of you will go on to stellar careers and various
pursuits. And four of you -- and I'm not at liberty to say which four --
will go on to star in the porno industry.
One of the challenges you will be faced with is finding a job in our
depressed economy. In fact, the chances of landing a decent job are about as
good as finding weapons of mass destruction in the Iraqi desert. Slim and
none. And Slim just left the building. In fact, the closest thing I found to
looking like a weapon of mass destruction is the turd that Dick Cheney left
in the Oval Office toilet about an hour ago. Man, that thing is a WMD if
I've ever seen one. On that note, God bless and happy graduation.
- -----
You know, I sincerely hope you enjoy this next chapter of your life because
it's really going to be great, as long as you pay your taxes. And don't just
take a year off because you think Uncle Sam is snoozing at the wheel because
he will descend upon you like a hawk from hell. Let's just put it this way.
After some past indiscretions with the IRS, my take-home pay last year was
$9,000.
I figured I'd leave you today with a song, if you will. So, Jeff, if you
could come up here. Jeff Heck, everyone. Please welcome one of your fellow
graduates. Jeff is, of course, from Eliot House. You know what you guys? You
guys at Eliot House, give yourselves a nice round of applause because you
had the head lice scare this year, and it shut you down for most of last
semester. But you didn't mind the tents they set up for you, and you were
just troopers. You really were.
Anyway, here's a song that I think really captures the essence of the
Harvard experience. It goes a little like this.
[SINGING]
I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone,
All my dreams, pass before my eyes, a curiosity.
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind.
Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea,
All we do, crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see.
Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind.
Okay, you know what? I'm just realizing that this is a terrible graduation
song. Once again, I'm sorry. This is the first time I've actually listened
to the lyrics. Man, it's a downer. It's bleak.
Boy, I want to finish this. Just give me a minute, and let me figure out how
to fix this thing. Okay. I think I got it.
[SINGING]
Now don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the Harvard alumni endowment
fund.
It adds up, has performed at 22 percent growth over the last six years.
Dust in the wind, you're so much more than dust in the wind.
Dust in the wind, you're shiny little very smart pieces of dust in the wind.
Thank you. Good luck. And have a great day tomorrow.
(Read comments)
|
