| Current mood: | restless |
| Current music: | Death Cab for Cutie-Transatlanticism |
i'll sit and wonder of every love that could've been
I feel like firecrackers are going off in my fingertips, and there are vice grips pinning my wrists to an imaginary plane. This is the tension, the anxiety that results from not being able to express anything worth more than a quick glance. I have spent the last hour typing and erasing, in a futile attempt to tell someone just why this happens, and then for it to happen again. This is no blessing, it's a curse. It's a curse to wake up one day and realize that you're not going to always have the chance to fuck around, to make a mistake and be able to fix it. you're not always going to have the luxury of seeing the people you care about every day. you might not even have that luxury at all. i'm sick of taking stuff for granted. i'm sorry for holding back, and i know all i'm going to do after this is hold back some more, and let whatever this is just sit, rotting away at my insides. So what do I want to say? I'm not exactly sure if there are words that I know for this power. I know it concerns this indescribable feeling of defeat that comes when that moment slips by without making an imprint on it. and that imprint is important. it's the alkaline kiss on the back of your hand, it's the tattoo that scars leave across a body that's seen better and blanker days. it's the bruise from a battle well-fought. i need some more of these things. figuratively, i kind of need to be pushed into oncoming traffic. i need that reminder of the fragility of human life. i need to be reminded that the present is infinitely more special than i can imagine, and most of all, i need to stop fucking lying to myself about all the people in it. i love you. and i'm sorry i couldn't tell you how bad this hurts more poetically or eloquently, but this hurts. and i love you. and i just can't care anymore about the future, because i'm not in control of it. i can't make anything great, just by wanting to. i can't do that, because everyone has their own idea of what that is. and a lot of that is just another sign of why the present should be appreciated. wake up in the morning, and realize that what you have today may not be waiting for you this time tomorrow. i don't know what to fix, or how to fix it. i know that i can't sit idly by, watching things that i've loved and still love slip into what seems like another dimension. that's what i'm so sick right now, because i'm just not doing what i need to be doing.
if i'd only thought of something charming to say...
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