| Current music: | Patsy Cline - " Strange " |
I can't change the stars.
Koa pulled me into court again a few weeks ago. I had to stay in Hana on Maui for a few days, and try and keep a cork in the drain in my pocket. She demanded a raise in alimony (which is already an obscene number) and she demanded my dog. The judge denied both of her requests, on the basis that I am already paying her the agreed amount from the first court visit, and that Polo had been my dog before I even knew her. The stress of having Koa breathing down my neck with her unconquerable animosity is wearing me thin.
I found a partner to do business with. I will be booking boating tours through the Aloha Rose with the owner; Damon James. I had no idea he was Dakota's father though. Damon had just shared with me that he had caught his daughter making out with some "sleaze bag" on the beach that afternoon. I don't think anything can compare to the way my heart dropped from my ribcage when I saw Dakota breeze into Damon's office. I don't think anything can compare to the pain when I realized that it was Dakota that had been "making out with some sleaze bag."
It hurt more than I thought it would, knowing that she was seeing someone else. I don't know what I should have expected though. She and I were never really "dating," but I wish we could have, I wish we were. I left the meeting at the Aloha Rose abruptly. The ride back to my home was the most hellish experience I have had in a while. Everything has piled up. Nahoa's death, Koa and I's divorce, serious money troubles, lack of grant money or recognition, loneliness and failure. Then Dakota added another few hundred pounds to the load and my back broke. I had a break down on the twisting drive back, a torrent of emotions I have kept pent up flooded out. When Dakota arrived at my house later I was drained and vacant eyed.
I told her I just wanted her to be happy, and I do-even if it means I can't have her. If the other guy makes her happier, then that is who she should be with. Knowing that though, doesn't make the pain go away, it only intensifies it. I wish I could have just accepted it and let it roll off of my back, but I can't be a door mat-even for Dakota. As much as I feel for her I can't be the alternate guy. I want to tell myself that it's for the best, as I'm sure Dakota has reassured herself. But I can't, when I know that it isn't. There is a hollow feeling inside of my ribs, I can't get rid of it.
I feel like I am dying inside. This feels like the aftermath of Nahoa's death, and Koa and I's divorce revisited at the same time. I didn't sleep last night. I stayed awake, and laid on the beach. I watched the stars, like I expected the constellations to move, to tilt and shift unexpectedly...like my life has.
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