|Current mood:||Very Happy and Slightly Unsure|
|Current music:||"Going Under" Evanescence|
Our Tuna Tacos Are Better Than Yours, Darn Right!!!
Howdy guys and gals, it's me, good ol' Mike, here for another delightful installment of 'Mike's Life, in Segements'
I just had the most wonderful weekend. I want to say it was the most wonderful weekend ever, but that may be an exageration, I'm not sure. But, it's up there. If not number one, then definitely number two or three. So, it's in the top three then. Yes.
I think I smiled more this weekend than I have in the past year. I'm not talking those fake smiles either. These smiles came directly from my heart... it's just this weird feeling that I get when a smile really means something. I had those smiles so many times. It was surreal, because I was so happy the entire weekend and I dont recall ever being that happy. =0D
But now the weekend is over and I must reflect on it, sitting alone, typing here to my faithful Blurty. Blurty always listens and understands. Unfortunately, Blurty doesn't give me advice, which is a downer.
My problem, my dear Blurty, is that I'm caught in an emotional earthquake. Part of me is so happy and overjoyed and I have all these superb feelings, but the ohter part is full of doubt. Not about my feelings, but about other felings. For instance: I'm constantly asking myself if I have a reason to be so happy, because are those feelings just in vain? I hate not knowing and guessing; I'm bad at estimates. My mind seeks for answers, but the question sare difficult to ask. Not difficult in the manner of speaking, but in the way of asking. My stomach feels nausiated. Part of me is happy, the other full of doubt, so my stomach is basically churnning about it. Also, part of me really wants to say that there is no reason for me to be so paranoid about this and that there is no reason to be 'nervous' about these questions, but the other part says the exact opposite. How should I know if my feelings are being shared? My mind tells me that this is the worst feeling: Having so much feeling towards something and not having those feelings returned or returned in the same magnitude. I fear answers that will hurt me, but my life is full of pain and that's how I've learned and grown.
I wish my mind didn't always defy me and would justl et me be happy, for once. I wish that my mind didn't seek doubt and would simply let me believe that the feelings are being shared. Once again, my complexes and my paranoia are interfering with happiness. I fear that all those treasured moments I had this weekend were simply my imagination convincing me of what I wanted and that everything I thought was true was actually fake.
This is a horrible way to feel. I have now decided that I'd rather have my heart broken than live not knowing. This emotional pull inside of me is intense and it's tearing me up from the inside out. I feel like crying, but whether the tears are for joy or for saddness I'm not sure. I hate to seek pity from others, so I tend to pity myself, but I hate that too, so I rarely do that too. So that is also causing this paranoid depression to hurt more: because I want to cry about it, but my other half (the half telling me I'm being stupid and that everything I saw and all those traded smiles and deep stares and touches were real and that maybe, just maybe, my feelings are being shared) stops me from crying because it says there is no reason to.
So, a broken heart is better than this. At least I can mend that. Not knowing... thats something I can't fix. So, I suppose, I should just ask these intimidating questions and risk a broken heart rather than live with this feeling. I suppose I have to. It is my..... duty...... uh.... sure.
I'll update later to let my faithful Blurty know how this goes.
PS: Blurty, I've finally realized that you may not GIVE me feedback, but by typing my words into your database, I am helping myself b/c it gives me a chance to reflect.
Of course, my offline journal does that too. But all of that information is highly personal information that few poeple get to know. I'm just that select. You are not good enough to know this information, so leave. Stop reading my Blurty. AHHH!!!!!!!
I kid. Those of you that read this probably know that info about me anyway. Especially.... you... because... of the comfortability factor, and, yes, you can interpurt this entry in the way I'm sure you are, because, yes, you know what it's about, seeing as you WERE the weekend.
I've said to much. Then again, I'm supposed to ask you these intimidating questions anyway, soI guess giving up too much information is not possible.
However, if you happen to read this and think my asking these questions is a bad idea, let me know. That would help....
Okay, work tomorrow. Sleep. Now. Goodnight.