| Current mood: |  relieved |
bloggie, i think you're probably the only "person" i can confide in these days. everyone's either too busy or too tired to listen to me whine. i know i'm not asking for much, but still, a huge part of me just doesn't want to disturb other people's peace or be a negative force in anybody's life. so i guess, it's probably best that you're inanimate.
so here goes. i think there's something i have yet to come to terms with in my life. as much as i'm a very opinionated person who seems to have it all together, deep down inside i truly doubt that. if i really were as self-assured as i portray myself to be, then how is it that one simple tired conversation with somebody could strike so much hurt and doubt in my mind? and it wasn't even about anything new. i mean, this isn't the first time that this person has told me i'm negative/possessive/sarcastic/etc. and i'm cool with that, even if i don't agree with it. because everyone's entitled to their own opinions right? but why am i so affected? it's such a touchy issue with this person, and don't be fooled by my asking so many questions. actually i think i already know the answer. but my pride's holding me back for acknowledging it upfront. sometimes my pride protects me from harmful things, but right now, i think it's preventing me from moving on. i think there's something more to it than meets the eye. and i want to say it, but again, i can't. i am too stubborn. i am afraid of the outcome, precisely because i know what will happen. and it ain't anything pretty. this person is wreaking havoc in my life, and as much as i want it out of my system, somehow i kinda like it. who am i to judge whiny guys who seem to love to torture themselves? i'm weird, yes, that i know. but that's the closest i get to admitting anything. the knowledge of another strikes fear in my heart, when it shouldn't even be that way. we're just friends after all. and i don't want to be seen as a jealous, possessive friend. i really don't. i want us to all get along. i'm sick of being accused of holding anybody back. by even leading me to think that you think that way struck a very raw nerve. which is probably what provoked the tears.
maybe we got off on the wrong foot, and came crashing down quite abruptly. i couldn't even tell. you had me under your spell. it was unfair, what you did to me, and yet i don't blame you for everything. i could say that you don't inspire much confidence, not even as a friend. i could say that you make me feel extremely insecure, even as a friend. i could say that you led me on to let me down. i could get personal about every negative thing you said about me. i would really really love to, but i'd like to believe i'm more responsible than that. i know it's got something to do with me too. i led myself to think that we were more than friends. i told myself that maybe, just maybe, one day we could blossom. despite all the signs and despite everything bad that's happened over the past 11 months, you could say i never really stopped hoping. i really shouldn't be telling dave that hope is something not to be trifled with. i'm such a bloody hypocrite. i have no right. but to be fair, i don't want the same thing to happen to others, because i know what a pain it can be. the stupidest part of it all, is that you didn't give much reason for me to hope. but i think i just figured something out, and i'm just rationalising here: it is precisely because i cannot trust what you say, that even if you were telling me the truth, i would be inclined to think otherwise, coupled with the fact that i suffer from perceptual defence and that i'm stubborn, believing only the things i believe in and not giving in to alternative possibilities. so even if you sent signals that didn't mean shit, a combination of factors led me to think that there could be something. yes, it all makes sense in the end. this could all just be one foolhardy girl's gross misperception. you started it, ended it, and then i took it from there. how stupid of me! am i that slow to react? dang, i should've realised this sooner. ok, i feel like a huge wave of relief has washed over me. i think now i'm finally on my way to recovering. geez, sometimes you don't really need someone to talk to. just yourself and your logical thought process. including a lot of psychobabble that must manifest in some form of writing. heh. thanks bloggie!
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