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Raches (singingoperatic) wrote,
@ 2003-07-12 22:03:00
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    Current mood: contemplative
    Current music:Halo-Foo Fighters-One By One

    The answer is...
    I told him yes. Did I just sign my life away? God doesn't send thunderbolts anymore, he just lets us live with the choices that we have made. Those thunderbolts by the way, just the tremors of relationships changing, lifestyles changing, disrupting the previous way of life. I researched, I researched...a little, and I can do a great deal more. The sad thing is that the reasearch was actually more positive than negative. So that scared me a little bit, but I laughed too, because all those things they fed us from elementary to ninth grade was too keep us not pregnant and STD free through high school, and they had a slight hope that some of that information would stay with us, that we would be scared right through marriage. I don't think I'm now suddenly aware of the world of casual sex, I still think I'm being stupid as hell. But you know, I really don't want to stain my expensive new sheets in college, and it will teach Tim a lesson, because it's supposed to hurt like hell for me. HA! Girls still get the last laugh, and the most pain. Well, and there are the thoughts that he still could be a psychopath....God, I have faith that my life is supposed to last longer than this. So I am scared as hell...but I want to do it...and there is all the planning that has to go forward before, so it might not at all be possible. I don't know why I leave everything up to fate. My head is more clear on this than most things, which also scares me. I'll be on later, because we have to talk. I guess after weekend update...I am so immature...
    God, I talk to you as I commit a sin right in front of your face, and I have the audacity to ask for your forgiveness. I am a sinner, so outright. I love you, yet I blatently deny your commands. But even Ned Flanders fell...do you know of the Simpsons? God, I know what I am asking for...but I do not know if I am worthy to be delivered. Please calm my heart of fire. All my love. Amen



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