|Current mood:|| bitchy|
ehh i am so close to gettin fucked over it aint even funny! my mom assumes i've been sneakin out of the house at night and so she told sarah if she finds out i have been then she's gonna send me to grandma's without my car. and this took place last night. and i had to go get eric at like 10 last night and i was freakin out and cryin the whole time cause i had this weird feelin i was gonna get caught and i was in sarah's car cause they blocked in my car completely to be sure i didn't leave. but yea...so i finally get to the skate place to get eric and i'm crying and he's like what's wrong? and so i tell him and he gets completely quiet and was like i could have called my parents and i was like no cause i would have felt bad since i told you i would come and get you and so after sittin in silence for awhile i was like so did you have fun tonight? and he said no. and i was like why did you not have fun skating? and he was like yea i did. and i said so am i the reason your night is bad? and he shruged his shoulders (which in eric language means yes it was my fault) and so he refused to talk to me at all. and finally when we got to his house he gets out of the car and i was like um can i have a hug? and so he hugged me and walked away and i was like are you gonna say anything? and he just kept walkin and i said please fuckin say somethin before i start cryin even more. and he turns around and says you need to learn how to say no. and walks into his house. i sat in my car crying and finally drove home and when i got on the internet he was on and i asked if he was mad and he didn't answer. and he hasn't talked to me at all today. anytime he gets on i try to talk to him but he won't answer. and he hasn't called me. he always calls. even if it is just to say hey. he has called me every day...and we've seen each other almost every day. and i haven't gotten to talk to him or see him today and it is making me extremely sad especially since i REALLY want to be with him now.
2 nights ago me and him finally got to have our long awaited talk. i went to see him at about midnight and finally got home at 2:30ish. but i asked him why he didn't like me and he said "it isn't that i don't like you it is just i don't know how my feelings will be in the future". hmm i do believe that is the lamest one yet. he's used 3 on me and they all start out "it isn't that i don't like you it is just that...." i told him i felt that it was because i'm not tiffany. and he was like well i've talked to you more than her lately. and i was like so, i would rather you never compare your time with me to with her. and he was like oh i said the forbidden "t" word. and i was like it isn't forbidden and he said that it might as well be since it bothers me. (for the record...it isn't that it bothers me...it is that i'm EXTREMELY jealous..guess that doesn't make it any better though...) but i'm still not too sure as to why he doesn't like me other than i take on everybody else's problems and always appologize for shit i can't control. but he cares about me. i know that for a fact. and that makes me very happy. but i told him he doesn't realize how hard the past few years have been for me. he doesn't understand the shit i've been through. and i asked him if the reason he was such an ass to me about a year ago was because he hated me and he said no it definitally wasn't that...he just knew how he was and how i was and knew he was bad for me. i also told him that i think it is shit that i've spent a year and a half of my life completely in love with somebody who will never really care about me. that night was definitally a good thing for me...i'm happy i actually got to have that talk and get everything off my chest even though it was hard for me.
i hope eric will stop being mad at me soon cause even though it has only been a day...it feels so long since i know he's mad. but i don't get it...i risked my ass for him. i risked gettin in trouble to come see him. and last night i didn't get a thank you. i didn't even fuckin get a "bye". or an "i'm sorry for making you do this" just "you need to learn how to say no". if anybody should be pissed i do believe it should be me!! i mean seriously...i went through hell last night to get to see him and all for him to just be mad...yea that is wonderful..grr