|Current mood:||contemplative(as always)|
|Current music:||Sunday Morning Alternative in E flat minor, The Fugees|
I haven't been able to update my journal for a long time. I haven't had a lot of time to be online because of school. A few days ago I came online to log in to Blurty. I hadn't logged on for so long that I had forgotten my password so I had to request it from Blurty. So I was finally able to write after many weeks. There are so many developments that have taken place since the last time I submitted an entry. I am really beginning to understand so much. I am learning so many new things and also beginning to question numerous issues and situations. I started out the semester with a bang. I got an A on my math test. THat really boosted my confidence. Then I got a C on the next one and it felt like my world fell apart. I was devastated. I'm still reeling from that test. I need to move on. I have really been struggling since I got that test back. I almost decided to quit school last week and I considered taking up certain self-destructive activities. But I know I won't. I can't. If I do I will feel as though I have failed and I refuse to quit. I don't quit things anymore. I will not. I can't. I know that I can't do well and that I am going to achieve all the goals that I set at the beginning of the year. I can't give up now. I have to keep trying. Many of my friends probably think I'm a bitch and that I'm a nerd with no life and I don't care. I'm fed up with caring about what people think. Sometimes it requires that you get like that in order to acquire the motivation to change it. I can't be like how I once was if I intend to do the things that I have in mind. I can't lead a double life and balance lifestyles that create too much of a paradox either. I want to do something more than just go to college to get a good job that has me making tons of money. THere is so much more to life than just big bucks and material things. SO much MORE! My mind never stops rolling. I think about people in other countries and what goes on there. I think about the world as a whole and the universe and the stars and life and death. I think about the US and I think about what I see going on around me and I don't like a lot of what I see. I am really disturbed by all the conspiracies that I have learned about and those that I know nothing about. The media is disgusting. I see the way it reflects the reals of society. At the same time, media is the cause of the way society operates. One big twisted circle. But of course, there is always a positive side too. In the US, the are so many resources that can aid a person in recieving an education. The system is jacked up, but at least there are plenty of options that can grant one person so many of their wishes and fulfill their hopes. THat is, if the mentality that is necessary to get there is present. I want to contribute something to society. I don't really know what I will end up doing in my life yet, but I do know that things are going to be ok. I know that I will find a way to do something positive for people. I want to take a stand and make a statement that people will not forget. I want people to know and realize things they didn't before. I want to bridge gaps and create connections among peoples of all different races, creeds, colors, and cultures. I will continue my education beyond the two year school I'm at right now in order to expand my enlightenment and enhance the dynamics surrounding my abilities and development. By doing this I will be better equipped to lend myself to a cause greater than making money or perhaps even such that does not entertain happiness. My thoughts of late have centered around all the things I've been talking about in this entry. I can't wait to take psychology and astronomy and trig. And I might be able to join choir again next semester. I hope so anyway. I have to be really ready for next semester and I this is why I need to continue to strive for better study habits and more productive time managment. And I will because I refuse not to.
And I'm rooting for the T-wolves because they've always and always will be one of my favorite basketball teams and they will go all the way. Spre, KG, Wally, Hudson, Cassell....man I can't even wait. and then there's the spurs and Dirk Nowitzki, if he's healed up from the playoffs last season. The Spurs too. Be interesting to see Chi-town with Scottie back.
I think I really needed to write. I needed to release some shit off my chest. FOr some reason writing music, singing and playing piano has only served as a temporary remedy for all this anxiety. I go into a piano room at school and play for an hour and I feel good after I leave, but soon after I go back to doing something else the strectched out, uncertain feel wafts slowly back into my brain. But it hasn't gotten to my heart. My heart is still in it. THe passion and need to keep on keepin' on has not lessened. And I am sure that there is some truth in knowing that things can often get worse before they get better and progress. I will put my faith where I feel I need to and not even try to hope that shit gets better because I know it's got to.