| Current mood: |  blank |
Where to start
*Saturday was so fucking wonderful. Jacob taking me out was good for me. The circus was fun. . . a bit fruity now, but still fun. The Bar-B-Q place we went to was nice too. I wanna go agian real soon. I forgot how much I like bbq. The tip of the iceburg was when we saw Big Fish. It's such a beautiful and happy movie.
*Yesterday started the rollercoaster downhill. My phone got disconnected. I don't know when I can pay it cuz my electric is more important. Felt bad cuz it cut out during a txt convo w/ Scott. At least I got a call from Ruthie before I lost it. This whole taking care of myself sux.
*Things have been odd lately. I'm not horny 24/7, which is so not like me. Instead, I'm just feeling lonely. I don't know why. I would say that it's cuz I haven't eaten anything besides chocolate today, but it;s been like this for a few days. I don't know what is wrong w/ me.
*I'm just not good at this. I can't take care of myself, but if I fail my dad wins. I hate this! I hate this so much. Everything is so fucked up right now. I don't know what I want or who I want. . . I just know I don't like being alone anymore. Normally I embrace it. I've slowly become quite the hermit, but now I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of my life.
*I had so much I wanted to right over the weekend and now that I'm here I just feel like saying fuck it all. FUCK IT ALL. I mean, what the fuck am I working towards anyway? I say I want to eventually settle down, get married, and have kids.. .. .. who am I kidding, tho. I'm way to scared to fall for anyone, not to mention my current life plan doesn't have room for a family. . . not even someone special. I'm so paranoid that I'm gonna have regrets when I get old that I'm letting it make my priorities in life become very off. Plus, I think I'm becoming my mother. I was so dead against becoming my dad that I didn't even see this coming.
*The hardest part is keeping my self-image and self-esteem in tact. I'll do just about anything for the attention I seem to need so badly, even things that keep me from looking at myself in the mirror. If it wasn't for Ruthie I would've probably slit my wrists by now. . . she doesn't know that. I've become almost exactly what my mom wanted me to, something I always despised. I don't know why I hate it so much; why I hate ME so much. I don't think I can love me.
*I used to have this perfect little sheltered life and I hated it. Now that I lost it, I just want to get it back. I look back and wonder if I've ever been happy. I honestly think I've litterally never been truely happy for more than a day. Even when I was young. . . hell, it was probably it's worst when I was young. What is wrong w/ me?
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