I am on some momentum tonight. It came from my failure[s]. I used to say when I was little that I worked best when punished instead of praised.. and as much as I like to believe that that is wrong, I don't think it is. It's usually after Ive failed considerably that I do well. Always trial and error with me - always..that's how I got good at my job.. that's why I came back to Cali.. thats why after many [too many] failures in school I STILL go.. and try again. [that and fear.. and a little spark for things Im passionate about].
I think that if I had something physical to look at or read or talk to every single day to remind me that I get up everyday and do all these things that make me unhappy [fake smiles and caring conversation]that it's all because I have a vision of happiness that MIGHT be fulfilled one day.. then all of these jobs would be easier. Right? That's why Im taking too long with school - right? Because of lack of motivation. Is it lack of punishment? Or lack of help and love and encouragement/support??????
My anxiety drives me nuts. It drives me fucking crazy right up until the point that I fail. [this always happens] - and then the WORSE has occured and I can move on. I always feel better after the pain and shock. Because it can't get any worse than that moment.. so the only option is a hopeful future from there.
The only good thing that's come out of this IS trial and error - and I am finally getting my motivation for things I love back - like Im writing again and doing photography again and writing notes and ideas down like mad. Everyday now I picture myself walking into a classroom and being happy and being whole.. and feeling accomplished. I want to go to the same coffee shop everyday, and hang around the same teachers everyday .. and have different students every yr.. I want to be an english teacher.
My eye wanders from the prize when Im sitting in a science/math class that I don't understand.. and dont agree w. being necessary.. and have some annoyance with the teacher..
certain ppl make me feel like something is wrong with me.. why dont I get it? like why in my head does it make perfect sense to be appalled that I have to spend every single day of my life working for money and being in debt just to relax and get some free time for a vacation?
am i that strange? or lost? or naive? or ironic? or fucking helpless....
and there's always more..
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