| Current mood: |  depressed |
"fine, if you want to go out, go out. but then youre not coming home tonight"
~my mom
THATS JUST DANDY THANKS!
i hate living here. i decided i have the worst relationship with my parents ever. i dont get why. i cant reach out to them, and they dont try to reach out to me. its so different than it used to be. NEVER EVER would i have thought this. i have contemplated many times just losing it and leaving. but i cant. im tied down and obligated. and i just....cant. i need to grow some guts.
people dont listen. i mean really listen. i never needed listeners before but i do now. people have always seen me as a goofy happy go lucky moron who never took anything seriously. but im more than that and i dont think people want to find out. i cant wait to start my life over again in college. i will leave everything and everyone behind and be happy. i will be a new me. one that i want to be, with no restrictions. i feel cramped now. i act like everyone thinks i should act. its not the real me, i keep that hidden because i dont think people will accept it. why? i have no idea. but its too late now. its been 6 years of my living my life that is not mine. i think on wildfire im myself a lot more because people there dont know how i am usually so i can be what i want to be. i can act how i want to act (like a 6 year old that only eats sugar- yep, thats me) and its fun. people like that. in fact this weekend, someone said 'kate IS the team'. that made me feel real good, like my impact has meant a lot to them. and i hope to god its true. and i think they (i forgot who said it, i think perhaps it was g's mom) did. and that makes me very happy. but then when i came to school today i just felt like i was in a whole different world. and i wanted to get out. badly. i dont feel connected anymore really. i hope its just a phase, i'd been having so much fun at school. ok im done. thats it. i could go on forever if i dont stop now. so im done. and im sure as soon as i walk away i will think of a million more things that i couldve written and then they will make me sad and i will cry. i NEVER cry. unless im hurt, like physically hurt. i hate tears. so i will NOT cry, its not worth crying over anyway. this part will be done soon enough. ill just go through the motions if i have to.
im out like a boner in sweatpants.
i need to ditch this mood. NOW. its so not me. i hate thinking.
ps- oh and dan has an lj now. what is going on?
pss- im pretty sure i probably dont mean any of this. especially the whole part about leaving everything and everyone behind. i dont know if ill be able to do that. but im pretty upset right now. so i have an excuse.
psss- i still havent updated about our tourney this weekend. ill do that tonight tho when im in a better mood. cuz i feel better now. so im good. i hope. I AM A WONDER
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