today scared the shit out of me.. in fact, i believe it got to most everyone involved. jenn and i were fucking around, instant messaging random people saying totally random shit. i got caught up in the moment and was fucking stupid enough to hand her brisa's dad's screen name. jenn got mad because he wouldn't reply to her fruit flies comment and said "fuck you." plain and simple. two words that are spoken all the time; we arn't ten any more and theres no reason to flip out.
brisa's father apparently told her, and she told her "gang." this gang came after jenn and i- virtually. and started bitching at her.. demanding why she was trying to "ruin" brisa's life. first off... how the hell is saying "fuck you" going to ruin a life?
i got fed up with them harrassing jenn.. so i went straight to the sourse; brisa. the first thing i said was "what the fuck!?" and she responded with a whole essay about how immature i was. how i wasn't good enough. how i just needed to fuck off. how much i changed. i will never forget the last thing she said, "i'll talk to you later when..if..you change."
thats what caused it.. over reaction maybe. but i completly flipped. i began to tremble and twitch. i could't even keep my hands on the keyboard, whilst i was trying to explain what was happening to jenn. i honestly thought i was having some sort of ceizure. thats when it happened..
my mind went blank for a split second. "oh god.. i'm dead" were the only words i could find. the flash back came next. blond hair going over a tiny shoulder. blue eyes. a sneer. and the words "you need to change. your not skinny enough, your just not good enough."
i came back to reality, gasping for air; i couldn't breath and i couldn't feel my body. the second i felt my fingers i was typing in a mad hurry to jenn.
something about brisa's statement triggered this fucking melt-down reaction.. it scared me shitless. honestly shitless.
i remember that day in first grade i met brisa. she was tall and skinny, blond and pretty. because in the first grade no one liked good looks, brisa was outcasted. i too was outcasted, for different reasons. so the pretty-girl and rebel joined together. no longer were we outcasts. we had a friend. come second grade we had our own little group. third grade passed the same way.. but fourth. fourth changed everything.
at the top of the stairs, standing on one of the benchs: brisa would always be surrounded by a cluster. not our usual friends. pretty, tall, skinny girls. the girls that now all the guys liked. each day i'd approach and bri would look me over and toss her perfect blond hair over her skinny shoulder and narrow her stupid perfect blue eyes and sneer and say "your not skinny enough. your just not good enough." i tried everything.. plummeting into this hole of annorexia and further depression after something that happened in the first grade. By the time I was "skinny enough" she had moved on. but i never forgot the actions i saw every morning.. blond hair, blue eyes, sneer, she was perfect in everyone's eyes.. and me.. i was just a little kid trying to make her "best friend" happy.
i had another series of flash backs. but it hurt.. my head began to throb and i couldn't see straight. i did the first thing to mind. i grabbed the phone and called andy. he wasn't home so i tried zak. i was hysterical and began shouting, "I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL HER! I'M GOING TO RIP HER TO SHREADS! I'M GONNA FUCKING FEED HER TO OZZY!" he told me to calm down but i didn't. when i didn't he was pretty fucking rude and said something along the lines of i need to fuck off and he would prefer to play video games instead of listen to me bitch. so.. hung up on him and sat there.. starring at the computer. everything replayed in my mind and i grabbed my razor. i don't know why, but i reached over to that old picture and pulled the blade out of the frame, it had been there for so long. with out thinking i began to slash at my arm, not giving a fuck where it met my skin, nor how deep. jenn continued to send me instant messages, asking if i was okay. at that point, i talked to lesley.. since she knows a lot about brisa.. more than some people who have known me for nearly ever. she knew i was cutting, forced me to stop and wash the blood off. thats when i began to relax more..
right now it's only ten. but i'm affraid to close my eyes. i keep getting the feeling its going to happen again..
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