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the wheels on the bus... (sexkittten) wrote,
@ 2004-12-26 00:57:00
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    Current mood: thoughtful
    Current music:joni mitchell

    i've been thinking a lot lately...not about good or bad things...i guess i just have the habbit of trying to figure myself out as well as other people...as i've written about before, i'm trying to figure myself out spiritually...i think spirituality is all we have in the end...i mean, once we get old, our spouses are basically room mates, sex is nonexistant...ur family is long gone...u can't move...ur health goes...working is obviously not something u wake up for...what else do u have besides urself, which is going to die anyway? i think spirituality is all we have in the end...its whats supposed to keep us going...at least for me...i think i've come to a few conclusions...there is a god...our souls are basically god's energy or "breath of life" as the bible likes to describe it...we are not a self...we only think that we are individuals....but thats only because we have individual brains...so basically we are all god and there are no individual souls...and i think all things in nature are linked together...when we die, our "souls" just go back to god and is reincorporated into another living thing....kind of like reincarnation in a way...and our bodies become a part of the earth again, which in turn could aid in helping a tree grow...this all probably sounds very complicated but its all basically one big cycle...both spiritually and physically...i just wonder why we're all here in the first place...thats what doesn't make sense to me...but i guess i can't try to understand and figure everything out...

    i've also been thinking about the past....all the good things...last summer was interesting for me...but even before that...i think about art class...i think about connolly in general...i hated a lot of what went on there, but at the same time i feel like that place was my home...it was all so tight knit...now, i feel like we could just be left out in the cold and no one would care...i feel more alone now...but i dont think its a bad thing....its just a cold feeling...like there should be a lot more people supporting one another...i've been thinking about all the great times i had then...in newport...tiverton...mostly with ross...i think about ross and i before...when i thought everything was wonderful...i miss the old ross...

    i also think about how i wish i had lived decades earlier....i may have mentioned this before...i think about what it would be like to live in the 20's...i love the clothing....the dancing...i also wonder what the 50's would have been like....being a housewife with a cookie cutter family...during this time and going into the 60's people seemed to live such simple lives...no one seemed to worry too much...many more people were classy...and kids weren't as stressed as we are now...i really like watching dazed and confused...all these kids have to worry about it getting beaten up by the senors...

    and then i think about the future and where i'll be...where i want to be...i see myself in new york for a while...but i think about what happens later on...when i've established a solid career and i can move further away...do i build a house in a new york suburb? do i get a house in connecticut....do i eventually get my house in ocean drive? do i travel everywhere? am i as stressed out as i am now? am i worse?...am i successful...who will i keep in touch with? will i have a family of my own? what can i do to live a full life? what can i see and what can i learn...what can i do for other people and the world...right now i feel like the skys the limit...theres so much hope...i can do anything...



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