|Current mood:|| guilty|
Sigh.I am desired.
So much has happened between my coma and now that I dont even know where to begin. Therefore, I wont.
Right now, the anger of guilt is taking over me. Its sinking to the bottom of my being and falling even lower to the pit of my somach. I want to crawl under a rock and die. This is affecting me to the point that Ive made myself physically sick. I can just double over and throw up.
Why cant I be hated? Its so much easier than what I have to deal with now. Im not being a coward. I truly feel that being hated was a way to preserve myself. Striking fear into others' hearts was an ideal way for me to live. I was protected and untouched. No guilt, no sadness, no love, no emotion, no feeling at all. It was perfect until I tasted the nectar of the affairs of the heart. From that, I grew enchanted, tempted...and longed for more in false hopes that I could still be sheltered in my warped world of protection and stoicism. That was a mistake. A lie. I was lead on to believe that love was this abstract, flawless wonder and found out that it had its sinuous twists and sickening heartbreaks beneath its glossy exterior. And with every endearing word, every confession of love, every ghostly touch, and every longing glance of an eye, I am run further and further into the ground. I never asked for this. Is it really my fault that...