|Current music:||the fan|
So...I got up at 7:30 this morning...way too early if you ask me. Especially considering I was up for hours looking at colleges. I really couldn't sleep last night. It took me forever to fall asleep, mostly because I was savoring snuggling with Sean while he slept. But even after I decided to try to sleep, it was useless. I have been getting probably no more than three or four hours of disprupted sleep a night for the past few weeks. I just can't sleep. I have tried going to bed early, and I just lay there for hours. I have tried staying up really late, and then I just lay there, and then wake up earlier. I have tried taking melatonin, which worked like a champ at my mom's house for a few nights, and is now failing miserably. I have tried counting sheep, literally. I have tried shavasanah from yoga, I have tried imagining black, getting very restful, not allowing any part of my body to move, and trying to like disattach myself from my body, that used to work when I was little, and nothing is working. So now I just give up. I have a new found appreciation for Sean's breathing cycle next to me for hours on end...actually it is neat to note the rhythmic changes throughout the night that can probably be attributed to dreams, or different stages of sleep, neat if nothing else.
Anywho, so I am awake. I am going to go over to Mimi and Papa's before too terribly long, get something to eat and maybe go to the pool for a few minutes. You really can't stay longer than that, or you will fry and die. And we don't want that.
Stressing too. I think that is probably a good portion of why I can't sleep. Now I am stressing about school. I am wondering where Sean and I will end up...I was looking last night, and it was U of I that had the law school I knew about, not Boise...which changes things...I haven't really talked to him about how long he is planning to wait before he goes, but regardless, he can't go in Boise. To get most of my core, and some elective courses out of the way through NIC, I could only be there a year...then go wherever, but at the same time, it takes a year to establish residency...so we need to be wherever for a year before either of us can go back to school. I don't really want to finally get back into school only to have to move an be out for a year....or I guess pay the out of state tuition the first year...I guess that is an option. Also, you can get in state tuition if you are married to a resident of the state...Sean being Arizona, me being Idaho...so maybe that could help. Either way, I am weighing the stresses of wanting to be closer to CDA to watch Steenie in high school ball, and the other kids in their functions, (missed Hayden's DARE graduation yesterday) It is just so hard being so far away when they are young and growing up without me...Not to mention, I really do like Boise, and there is a lot I like to do there, and the "home-like" feeling it has for me. Closer is better...for right now, but what about everything else. I am trying to look at it through Sean's eyes. While I know he would go to Mars with me if I asked him, what is better for him and us, not just me? And the answer is terribly skewed... I have a few months...but fuck. I cannot come up even once a month or two, much less every other weekend from Phoenix, I just can't. So what to do? Not to mention, I am 7 months away from residency in Arizona...AND Melissa is going to be in Boise....and I need her. Been far too long without her close by. So much stress...let it go, ok, gone. Nothing to worry about. I cant change anything, there will be sacrifices, and I will not be completely satisfied either way, so I might as well get over it. And I also have to remember that I will disappoint people no matter what decidion is made. Thsi is what I get for going off and falling in love with someone who lives a thousand miles from my concept of reality, lol. (statement to be taken lightly, Sean is the best thing to ever happen to me, and I wouldn't change any of it for the world.....and we all know how bad I want to world!!!) So anyway, going to shower and get ready for the day...