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scrudder (scrudder) wrote,
@ 2005-09-19 14:34:00
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    Current mood: chipper
    Current music:The Enterprise theme song!

    It's been a long day
    HAPPY HALLOWEEN


    History provides us with many interesting facts.

    The day of the moon landing there were zero reported crimes.

    Fire flies reside in 49 of the 50 states. There are no fire flies in California and no one knows why.
    (Of course, that has nothing to do with history, I just liked that fact. I like it so much I ate my shoes. But then I got an infection and had to remove my knee caps with an ice cream scoop)

    And my personal Favorite, Carrots can actually see in the Dark! Yes, apparently it’s because they are full of carotene, that and they are the most suspicious of the fruit family, so it would only make sense that they could see in the dark.

    On of the most interesting things about history are the origins of specific events! In light of the Spooky, yet lighthearted, Halloween next month, I thought I would provide you with an insight to its origin.

    Don’t believe all that bunk you heard growing up about all hallows Eve and witches and such, it’s just not true! There are some other muddled beliefs about some moons being harvested or Cats meowing loudly again, all untrue, as far as I know, cat’s don’t even have a larynx, therefore, not only can they not meow, but they can not write either – that much is true!
    As an Entomologist it is my job to study history! So I dug out my Almanacs and started scanning the pages after I took full bottle of Tylenol and drank three pints of Nyquil. It was time to get to the bottom of this Terrifying, yet Indigenous holiday.

    Halloween originated in Rome, 1329 A.D. In roman times babies were taught their very first word, which was usually “Hello” but because babies had no teeth, drooled a lot and smelled like rotten cabbage, it usually sounded like “Hallow” When a baby first began speaking – they were gently weaned off of the cows utter. Yes, a cows utter, it was very unflattering back in the day for a mother to breast feed her child. It was not uncommon to be walking along in a meadow and see a pasture full of cows with little baby children hanging from the utters of mommy cows, clamped on tight with suction cup lips of steel drinking the wondrous joy from within one of the cows six stomachs, (Hey, another interesting fact!) Only rich people’s babies got to drink from the brown cows which, of course, dispensed chocolate milk.
    So as you may have gathered “Hallow” babies first word, and “Wean” from the babies being weaned off of the cows utter. But how did Halloween come to be one of our most celebrated holidays? Well, no one knows for sure, but many people believe it has to do with the Ebola Virus, but in fact I found it doesn’t! The Ebola Virus is actually a disease that kills you very quickly and has nothing to do with costumes or candy!
    In October 1329 a very strange thing happened in Rome, Giant Albatrosses came and nested in the skulls of all the babies that were being weaned off the cows. Oh, what a horribly strange thing! The little babies were non to pleasant to look at often times the local people would gasp or struggle to hold back vomit. Anyways, the children were upset; they did after all have Albatrosses nesting in their skulls. They would cry and sulk and some of them were whisked away in the sky as the Giant birds took flight. The children’s little legs flailing about as their screams and cries fading away on the wind…
    The Emperor of Scotland, who was in charge of Rome at the time, heard of this great injustice.
    He liked to eat grapes. One time he ate so many grapes he got really full and went to sleep, and when he woke up he felt much better. But he never ate so many grapes again.
    …The children were getting hungry. For a long while they would only eat worms because the Albatross demanded it. But the parents thought of something. They believed if they came up with a plan to get rid of the Albatrosses then everything would be fine, however, they came up with no such plan and all of them ended up with jobs at Home Depot selling lumber to Leprechauns with drinking problems.
    Sometime later, the children started to wear masks to hide the hideously large, feathered ugliness that would often times protrude wings right out of their ears. The Albatrosses were becoming quite a nuisance. The children were bedraggled and scruffily looking, and what with there 9 to 5 parents at home depot, they had no one watching after them – so they joined together and started foraging for food. No one knows quite how it happened, but eventually the children started going door to door begging for food. The people of Rome would not budge, however. They were a proud people and would never sink so low as to helping poor underprivileged children.
    Eventually the children would run up to the homes and ask a simple question “Trick or Treat?”
    If the people were unwilling to give them food, the children would pull off their masks to reveal the rotting corpse of an Albatross nestled firmly dead inside their skulls.
    As you can imagine, not too many people want to see that sort of thing (Unless you live in Idaho)
    So the people wisely started giving them food. Blindly of course, would you believe it? They gave them candy? Of course, in Ancient Roman times, they didn’t understand the municipal benefits of candy back then. They use to just throw it away or wash there cars with it, often times the Romans would stuff there dead full of Candy Corn. This is also where piñatas originated.
    Well – the scuttlebutts (the children were often called this since crabs were always picking at them for the yummy dead bird meat stuffed away in their little heads) would run around all night long until their pillow cases were full of candy, then they would stuff themselves full of the sugary sweetness and then low and behold, something amazing was discovered. It turned out the birds didn’t like Candy, so they magically came back to life and flew back to Antarctica where they would hibernate for months on end until they grew beards and moved to outer space.
    The Wonderful, yet sickening tale of Halloween migrated from Rome to America by way of Boat. It was brought here in 987 A.D. by The great playwright Ed Wood. He revolutionized popular Commercialism by exploiting Halloween to its fullest potential! And then kids started wearing masks and trick or treating and the rest is history.
    So, in a sense, by celebrating Halloween we are really doing nothing more then making fun of the Romans. And that is specifically why I don’t celebrate Halloween, because I saw that movie Gladiator! Man, those guys can kill you by pushing a spear through your face, they can make your arms fall off just by looking at you really hard and you know what, I don’t want any of that crazy trouble, cause that’s just nonsense if you ask me! I don’t want to be a part of the magically charming, yet horribly dangerous like a poisonous snake bite Halloween! No sir.
    And so – I just hopped in my Popsicle car and drove down the road.
    And as the night grew dark, and I trampled upon the leaves, I could hear the babies sucking on utters and swaying gently in the breeze

    BONUS FACT:
    The origin of the caramel apple

    Let’s just say it involved someone going to the bathroom, a lack of toilet paper and a bowl of fruit nearby. Need I go on?

    September the 19th 2005



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