| Current mood: |  awake |
| Current music: | Bonnie Tyler - Turn Around |
Altered Images.
Okay. I'm about to write out everything on my mind. Whether it's useless details on things no one cares about or things that are important. I don't know. I really don't want criticizm on anything right now. Here goes.
Mother's day is tomorrow. I've gotta print out a card for my mom that I made. I have no ink.
Shelly's coming home with more guns from Rocky's. I wonder if they trust us. I wonder if Tyler would ever try to shoot me. He tried to hit me with a baseball bat before. Seriously.
Everything comes to an end. I wonder what will become of the few good friends I have. Will I always have them? Will I see people I knew from high school later in life and know who they are? Will they know who I am? Does that occur often? Does anyone ever think of that as a rare thing?
Does anyone ever think that things like sofas and chairs could contain a body or something like that? Have you ever thought about ripping a piece of furniture or a part of your wall open to find out what might be there? Have you ever gone through with it?
Do you ever cry when you think about happy memories? Not cry because you miss those days but, cry because you can't have them now?
Have you ever thought that no one in the world could understand how you felt on a certain topic but, then you find someone you relate to.....and then you find out they lied?
Forever's going to start tonight. Expect no less.
I'm scared. I have absolutely no clue what I'm scared of at the moment. I'm just scared. Whatever it is, it's enough that it's making me cry. I don't like it. I'm scared of a lot of things. Too many things.
I wonder what my Aunt Sally is feeling right now. I wonder what it's like to live in the small RV that you lived in with your husband....except now it's just you. I wonder how she handles herself. I could never even imagine losing someone I love that much and then having to sleep in that same bed night after night. I wonder how she got through it. At least, so far. I wonder what I would do in that kind of situation.
I wonder why people at school think they have to act a certain way. They would have much better friends if they were themselves. They would have friends who understand them as a person. Not just someone who thinks they are cool because of the shirt that they wear.
For some reason, my Mom is a better person without her husband. For some reason, she's a happier person when he's out of town. She's very unhappy and stressed when he is here. I wonder why she stays with him.
I think no matter what you do, you always end up hurting someone else. How do you not do that? Is there really anything you can do that wouldn't end up hurting another person. If there is a way to get around hurting someone else when you do something to help another, I'd like to know. Someone is always unhappy.
No one knows me. Not one member of my family. Not one of my friends. I need to let someone get to know me so I can figure out what's wrong with me. Unless someone knows the whole truth about me, they can't figure out what's wrong.
Why is it that some people are oblivious to the look on your face when you say something? Why can't people look past everything and just see what's in your eyes?
Tonight, at Robbie's, I was being bitchy. No one understands anything. Whenever I'm bitchy, it's not because I'm mad. It's not because I'm trying to manipulate them. I get really bitchy when I try to hide the fact that I'm sad. Almost everytime that I am bitchy to people, it's because I'm sad. It's my bad habit. Along with smiling when I try to keep from crying. If you yell at me, and I start smiling at you, I'm most likely trying to keep from crying because I upset yet another person somehow.
What makes everyone consider me selfish? I'd give up anything, including my life, for almost anyone. I think everyone deserves more than I do. I try to give that to them too. If I had to chance to give up my world for someone I truly hate...or someone who hurt me, I'd do it. If I had $5 and was starving and I saw someone else who was hungry too, I'd give it to them in a heartbeat rather than keep the money for myself. I try to be the most unselfish person I can be. Yet, somehow, no matter what I do, someone calls me selfish. Whether it be my mom, Shelly, Tyler, Robbie, or some random person...someone always finds me as selfish. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. I was the other night. I called Robbie's grandma's house at like 12 am or something because I wanted to talk to Robbie. I was really fucking upset and crying and all. But, then when he called me back, I didn't have the guts to tell him that I was crying and the real reason I had called in the first place. That was selfish. It was selfish to call that late for the fact that I called for myself. Maybe I am selfish. Maybe I don't realize it. I want to change that. I really, really, really don't want to be selfish. You have no idea.
I guess that's enough of my ranting or whatever you want to call it. It's like 5:15 a.m. I haven't slept at all. I can't now either. If I do, I won't be able to get up to go to Denny's with Robbie. Hmmm.
[jess]
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