Cancer.
That word, that word makes me want to vomit, cry, scream, and ... run all in one phrase. One tiny word, one single utter of it.... mentioned down the same walk we've done before. Same walls I've run my fingertips across bored seeing them day after day after day after dreaded day. Sometimes wheeled in wheelchairs with lack of energy. Sometimes too emotionally drained to wrap my head around it.
Today the worst news came. Mom is not in remission. Not only not in remission but has another rare form of cancer that affects the menengis (brain stem) and basically the Cerebral Spinal Fluid is what is affected. They have to do chemo through her back like a backwards spinal tap. It sounds dreadful. If untreated she will only have 2-4 weeks. She's not symptomatic at the moment was just having another scan due to the type of cancer she just beat. Treated there isn't much more of a hope either another month maybe? What is that if she's too ill from treatment. They are doing one treatment and going from there. She has an appointment to talk about her wishes. What we decide.
In the end this is my decision I have power over all of her medical decisions. The treatment will cause irritation in her brain causing weird side effect.. such as dimensia (or something close to this). Can cause her to be paralyzed, have seizures.
I'm so scared.
She started to talk about how sad she was that she wouldn't be here to see the kids graduate. How she wont' see Jax second birthday but how lucky and blessed she was for seeing his first. His first steps.
Then she said something that really got me... she said she was sad she wouldn't be here to watch me marry the only man I have ever truly loved. She said that Joe and I were a great couple and have made a wonderful family and she is happy with knowing when she goes there is something to live on, in the right way.
All I could do was cry.
Tonight we sat the kids all at the table and delivered the news. We didn't have time to prep them. A no BS but soft kind of approach. Brandon was the most affected he just ran away from the table and went downstairs and started to cry or something along those lines. The kids hugged tighter before bed. WIping away tears I just held it together a little bit longer. Doors shut from the tiny bedrooms and I lost it.
All I want to do is scream and cry and write, and do photographs and catch every moment. Ever tiny little moment, but I'm exhausted and need sleep.
I called to say goodnight and she was in good spirits. More energy than ever before has been her last few weeks. I want her to go out like that. I dont want her to go out at all. I want my mom. I want to be in 1993-4 in cape may.. with my crazy party mom. I want a hug and an I love you.
