|Current mood:|| confused|
why.. why'd you have to kick me when i'm high??
being sweet is not in my genes i guess.
i have something to look forward to now.
the lease to our apartment, and if we get aproved or not. excitement all around.
i am in a bind. why is it that when mike is faced with competition, he finally decides to be fairly sweet? why? what was so wrong with me before that he couldn't express himself? i want someone to have and to hold whenever i need them. i understand he is in school. i am not that type of girl to make him lose out on education. i am not a dick. but he has done nothing wrong. he would never yell at me. never ever hit me. and never ever cheat on me. he just has things to work out. what is it about me, that i feel that i cant be happy. why do i do this to myself? all i hear is how he isnt right for me, but alli see from him is the fact that he is trying so damn hard... for being away at school and work for 14 hours a day, it isnt easy for either of us. but he wants me. even though he cant give me what I need. and he knows it. one thing i know is, the fact that when i see him, i get somewhat down. i feel that i always have to look beautiful, and can't have a mood swing every once in a while. I feel that he judges me. i dont know if that's good or bad. i don't. it has only been about 3 months, which isn't a long time at all, but i have a real attatchment to him. the sad thing is, that i know Josh will be there for me no matter what. as a friend, as a boyfriend.. which ever. where as if i were to leave mike, we wouldnt be friends. he would let us lose touch, and i dont think i can picture my life without him in it, and even josh. i dont want to picture my life withut him. josh is definitely someone with their head on their shoulders. and i love that about him. i care for him so much...
wednesday i get to see him and that should be fun.
thursday mike is coming over. we are going to watch once upona time in mexico. i think.
enough about boys.
i need to make this journal about no boys and about my own life. i need to stop thinking that i cant live without a man in my life.
it's hard to type lying down.