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DontCallMeNicole (sangerin) wrote,
@ 2005-09-10 09:59:00
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    Current mood: confused
    Current music:#1s

    Back from Europe
    So, Europe was great. I have been freaking out even since getting back though. This summer I hurt my voice really badly. It is similar to my hamstring. I am going to go to a alternative medicine doctor to see what I can do about it. Every one in Austria is way open to that stuff so I guess it isn't quackery like everyone here thinks it is.
    This Fall was a repeat of last fall, only with the stress of senioritis kicking in. I didn't get called back for Chamber choir and I am in the chorus for the opera. Ugh. I think I am going to add a semester and get a German major..who knows. I read through all of my old journals and after comparing it to how I felt the last couple of weeks, I need therapy. My mom is right, I have anxiety problems and i have got to do soemthing about it. I keep remembering what Gejza told me about how I never will have to worry about my life. I am charming and atractive enough that I can be and go anywhere I want in my life. And what alexis said about how the only time she has ever cried while watching something is during Land Before time and my recital. It is so hard to believe though when your voice hurts like hell, all you feel like doing is cry and give in to defeat. It sounds so rediculous. I fantasize about killing myself. I know I never would because it would kill my mother, but I just feel like its the only thing that will make this constant feeling of disatisfaction stop. It is the only thing that will prevent me from having to make decisions and then regret them. I want to go back to Vienna! But what then? Marry Gejza and have his 8 kids...? Oi.
    I got to go do something!

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