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I'd show a Smile but I'm too Weak- I'd share with You could I only Speak stitched together with good intentions. - Augusten Burroughs Introspection&I'm.Not.Ready.For.This. I don't want to face myself//Not yet. &now that the reality of things begin to form [Instead of happier] >>>An old friend is visiting with a vengeance. Always univited. &Really, My only concerns lie within being able to hide her. Keep her at bay long enough during the day so That I can escape at night. It's not something I really care for him to witness, her in full blown glory. Devastating & unattractive I am Destruction &my own worst enemy. You know, maybe this is how the path to recovery is suppose start. Rocky. Once you acknowledge your demons, they shine their brightest. &it feels like 5 steps backwards into the negative. That book- hurts me to read. It's made me an emotional wreck. Adverse effects or everything in it's right place? Jealousy leads to untrusting, I think. I never really linked the two together until now. &it's making me dizzy. &worst of all, it makes sense. Goddamn, I hate being sad, lol. That uncontrollable sad. That feeling of utter negativity. Everything is all wrong. I'm walking a thin line & could collapse into tears at any second. Not, "Oh, my bf broke up with me" sad Oh, it comes & goes. Go go go go It's been awhile. I was just at my peak of being the happiest I've been in awhile this passed month. Of course I should crash&burn now. This is my fault though, according to Dr. J. I do this to myself with the way I think. Well, shouldn't there be something out of my control programming me to think the way I do? Seratonin Doc! Chemicals! I guess he means I can take control if I tried & worked for it. Pill for motivation, please. I've tinkered with the thought of demoting myself from Management. &strongly encouraging Bossman to let me keep my pay as Assistant Manager &raise Heather's pay since she's more experienced in sales&retail. ... Just a thought I can quickly dismiss. Work is going to get weird when Hetaher comes over. I'm 22, she's 40+? I'm the manager. She runs her own store & qualifies beyond me. -insert my insecurities of her looking down on me & watching my every move to see how good of a job I'm doing- Wow, that was a mistake. ><><><><><><><><>< Wine Gala was amazing. Cameron was so handsome. A many a wine tasting As well as beer =D Great food, and inside laughs. Someday, I will have pictures of us all dressied up posted here. I went on a clothes buying spree. Like, a $250 kind of spree. Outrageous for me, yeah? I got $80 back, though, due to some loop holes the cashier filled me in on -dealing with coupons- A+ Since there was extra cash, I bought fuckjerk some clothes, too =D I bought a Chicago-suited jacket. It's beautiful Heavy Long &black ||Get cold|| Cameron took my camera to his grandma's 'cause she wanted to see how adorable he was. He told me she said I was 'right cute' hahaha I still blush thinking about it. Meeting her is... like of most importance to me. I know how much she means to Cameron &what regard he holds her in. So when I do get to meet her, if I'm ever lucky enough, it's going to be a big deal. It will mean Cameron likes me enough to bring me around her, that I'm worth holding onto &that he wants me in familiarity of the family. =D =D =D AIY, that'll be a big step. I thought she would be disappointed in Cameron for being with a woman who has piercings &tattoos. But she's cool with my additions! He said she likes me already just by what he has said about me> [nice things, really? awwah] I'm a lady & not a bitch, lol. Is this appoval in the making? Wow, I'm making a big deal out of this LoL I just hold high respect in certain areas. Kinda old fashioned sometimes. Oiy vey, last night was so awesome. I could tell by the way he looked at me &spoke to me- He thought I was beautiful. Hand in hand with a glass of wine, we walked from table after table trying wine [over 50 labels were there!] Socializing when approached. He introduced me to his boss from work &a man who is good friends with his grandmother. More than half the bottles of wine there I sell in the store. So it was a fortunate chance to try a good many of them to have first hand knowledge for customers. Arcadian "Sleepy Hollow" pinot noir was my favorite. But the bottle I was most impressed with was the Zestos, a blend of Tempranillo & Grenache. It was a favorably [odd]sweet red, which I've never had or thought existed! &I hate sweet wine, let alone basically all white wines. It was different & caught me by surprise. mmmm-mm "You remember who I am" bold. I actually have a rotten taste in my mouth towards you. Respect me... You haven't changed so so much... Same playbyplay. Me, honey, I'm onto a new game. It's called Life. Objective- Acting like an adult &being more mature about situations. Taking responsibility. &this is not a vain comment or an insult by any means, but- I'm in a different league than you now. Worlds apart. Sometimes, when I don't know how to react in a [and/or any given] situation I think my brain has a default reaction which is either: Inappropriate Irrelevant or awkward. This makes working with the public & socializing, well, awkward for me. Sometimes. !!!mahbebehcalledI'mreadytonuzzlehistumm Post a comment in response: |
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