| Current mood: | -+ |
| Current music: | Phenomena//YYYeahs |
8Am medicate baby
&who'd of thought...
uhm.
Me!
&It will come down to a mutual civility which down the road maybe a little more and the only disrupting factor will be...
me.
&once again, I can be bad guy. I'm starting to accept that MO.
It's when I intentionally start acting as so....
is when you should worry.
&start putting that Plan B into effect.
&you only ever need a fucking plan B when you think the original plan isn't going to work out.
& I'm the pessimist.
The cynic.
The jaded.
The paranoid.
I want the whole fucking picture.
Don't give me your pathetic polaroid in compensation as if it's going to satisfy me.
With holding details & deviating from from the truth in some fashion of missed words is still a lie.
Can you agree?
Contorting the truth by excluding a little factor here&there to make it mean something other than-
hurts just as much. You know?
& don't get me wrong.
This is fiction.
My mind only thinks out of the box & gets creative when I think I'm being fucked. I could never be an artist unless I was in one of those relationships again. I should make a call.
Apologies. Apologies. Apologies.
To be great you must sacrifice yourself.
Compromise your stability.
& go off the deep end.
&once you do,
you can create.
It seems, if any strong emotion is evident when I wake up
I rarely have control over it.
That emotion will be exaggerated & over-dramatized.
& I could break faces.
This is as opposed to that same emotion arising after a few hours of being conscious. You know?
Any emotion.
I won't be specific.
But general.
& right now.
I'm ready to get out.
I'm ready to turn my back.
I'm ready to say fuck this.
I'm ready to let Plan B win.
I'm sick of the illusions I'm dealt.
Here take this for what it is
Believe it & deal.
Ignore the important details that are intentionally excluded.
For my well-being, yeah?
Or selfish intent.
Don't get me wrong.
This is fiction.
The truth is,
there is less between us on good terms
than there is between the bad terms in which that other foundation fell apart.
How fucked up, huh?
Ironic.
But, no one can say I didn't see it coming.
I can never be here completely, just fragments of myself
While the source of all those historic problems
Remains an entity to be a threat.
&it will always be a threat regardless of- anything.
Because of that other historic life.
& should it ever be requested of me
to cut those ties in which another life held me captive-
it would not be an issue.
It would not be a fucking issue.
Because it's nonexistent
There is no communication
There is no contact
& to cover my bases, I'll say very rarely.
&even then, that could be dropped to zero.
I hate the world today
&it's fucking people.
No one believes in anything anymore.
No one believes in morality.
Good intent.
Selflessness.
Loyalty.
Which is why I keep myself at bay.
Sort of.
I'm a moron
& tend to walk right into those disappointments I see right in front of me.
Moth to the flame?
I'm programmed for failure.
Not really.
But you would think so.
Not really.
I did say this was fiction, right?
Stick.to.your.guns.
For one moment,
I wish you would hold your stage
&say what you really mean.
No lies [all that is even considered a lie] Do I have to go over this again?
How does my head hold so much of this shit?
Where is it kept & how does it begin to flood out like this?
I'm told my mind has a filter in which it lets all the bad through & filters the good.
I could talk my way around that.
&say it's because of REASON.
RATIONALITY < what I'm told is irrational.
EXPERIENCE
& all I'm told in response is that's natural for a pessimist to say.
I see through a mole hole of shit
& no sunshine.
Fuck that.
I know something good when it happens or is going in the right direction.
I'm not disillusioned.
&your only excuse is, I wouldn't know any different.
Why is truth so hard to find?
Some days, I'm just not happy with this life I'm living.
Not leading because I'm being dragged behind whatever I choose to tie myself to.
& today, it feels overwhelming.
Oh, give me a couple hours & all that will change. It's just a sickness.
>>>>EDIT<<<<
So maybe I lied.
Hours later & I'm still on the same track of thought only more provoked as some disturbing things have occured to me.
&I just want to say,
I love when people who 'care about me' defend me admist someone speaking ill about me.
Wait...
I wouldn't know what's that like.
It's always unacknowledged.
&the audacity of contact still remains.
So it goes.
I think it's ridiculous when people ask why I go cold so quick.
Why I don't try and hesitate before going numb.
Why I always assume the worst & run with it.
I am the product of my past relationships.
&no one's proved me wrong yet. No one's proved I shouldn't be this way anymore.
It's called a defense. & I keep having to put it on gaurd.
Because it's inevitable.
Hurt, I mean.
&I've found means to dodge this.
Somewhat.
At what sacrifice?
Well, that should be obvious, yeah?
The more you give, the more you lose.
From yourself maybe.
I don't know.
Apathy is setting in & the drive to write is dwindling.
Hopefully, I will be meeting an old friend for lunch.
Nostalgia is already setting in.
Especially with the cool weather coming in.
As much as I was ready for summer & the beach,
I'm ready for it to fuck off.
I didn't get to enjoy the beach much anyhow.
Or the regular summer festivities.
Days like today, I love work. Even if at the same time, it's the cause to most of my problems.
Conclusion
I don't do second best very well =[
I'm out to win.
Dear fuck me that's funny.
I told my mom the situation & her reply was,
Not cool!!!!!! That trouble making tramp! >blank blank blank< ... “man up” and tell the treasonous tramp to take a hike!"
Never ever have I thought my mom would use the word tramp O_O let alone Treasonous Tramp lmfao
I'ma let ma chow fight my battles from now on =D
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