I'm so tired of being alone all day, every day. My uncle kind of scares me, so it's just as well that he ignores me. My aunt is nice, but for the life of us we can't find anything in common to talk about ever. I've tried to tell her, and other people I trust, that I'm not feeling great because there's no one I can relate to here. My friends, if I get in touch with them, just say "aw, that's too bad" and then don't talk to me again for a week, so that hasn't been much reassurance. I can't really go do anything fun, because I barely have money to commute for my job, and I hate to take hundreds of dollars from my mother every time I see her. Trey's still mad at me for caring about him. Whatever. My mom tells me he's probably fine unless he gets arthritic symptoms, because those kick in even after the rash disappears, so at least I can probably stop worrying about him actually being sick. I just wish he hadn't dismissed me so easily when I was obviously so upset, about that and other things. I got one birthday present this year, and that was a last-minute gift from my boss. Kiwi sent me a super-long text message, and Phil dropped his plans with other friends to spend the whole weekend with me. But my boyfriend didn't reach me in any way and then never felt like explaining why? Did he just forget? I wish he wanted something from me, so I could give it to him. But he pushes me away when I try to kiss him. Doesn't pick up the phone when I call if he's with other people. (Is he embarassed by me?) Doesn't ask for anything. Doesn't make any attempt to reach me for days at a time. These things really hurt me. It makes it hard to believe him when he says he misses me. I try to give him space when it seems like he needs it, not that he tells me when that is. I always pick up the phone when he calls, no matter where I am. When I gave him presents for graduation, he said he felt like "a dog being rewarded for doing a good job." Can't I kiss him because I like to make him smile? Can't I give him a present because I hope he would like it?
Maybe I'll take those physics dvds at home that Mr. Angle had lent me. I miss feeling smart, and busy. Maybe Trey would watch them too, sometime.
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