| Current mood: |  depressed |
| Current music: | |
- Sigh. -
I feel... like such shit right now. Tonight was just a reminder of the many mistakes I have made this year. Jazmin and her cousin or friend or whatever were going to a basketball game and they came to my house to see me. We decided to go to Brittany's house, so we went, hung out for about 2 hours, watched some of the award show. Jazmin and them needed a ride home. I kept tellin them no cause of gas, but finally I budged and I calle my mom. She said no first, then called me back and told me yes. She drives MY car instead of Uncle's and then the key doesn't wanna turn in the ignition. The wheel or the tires locked or some shit. So we're tryna fix that for about 5 mintues and then we get to drive them hom. On the way back and before, my mother gave me a lecture. I'm used to her lectures but everytime she gives me one, a small thing makes me feel like shit. We were arguing about how she thinks that I'm gonna drive my friends everywhere with my car and she was saying how I need to stop trying to please everyone and all this other nonsense. In my defense, she DID change her mind. Nobody ut a gun to her head and told her to change her mind. So now I look back at everything so far and I just... I don't like anything at all. Not only have my grades not been how they used to because of me being in so many clubs an such, but I broke up with the person I loved because I was afraid, I made some bad choices a long ass time ago when it came to choosing friends, and everything is just crashing down onto me right now. It would have been... so much easier.. if I could have just stayed in New York, none of those would be happening to me right now because half the problems we have with the new car and uncle moving are money related. We wer set in NY and little miss princess Sherell had to find somethng she didn't like and decided she needed to move her whole family and move to a different state. If I could have just remained the quiet little girl who always sat in the corner and read a book while everyone played, I would be fine by now. I wouldn't get lectures over friends who need a ride home everytime they dun come up with a plan, and then when I do something nice, I get bitched at. If I had never been "pretty", I wouldn't have had my heart broken and I wouldn't have fallen in love. There are so many if's in my life now and I'm at a point where I just really don't know what to do. I don't have control over anything anymore and that scares me. I'm tired. I never looke at it this way, but maybe when I first started to get noticed, it just became something I needed. I alway wanted a friend and when I got one, I liked it too much. Now I'm stuck with people I don't like and I'm afraid to let them go because I don't know how to be that girl again. For some reason, I can't go back to what was peaceful to me. I'm in a hole I can't dig myself out of and I don't know anything else to do but break down and cry. It's sad. It really is. Never in my life would I have thought I would be this weak, pathetic, and needy. I guess I've always felt I wasn't human because I oculd cope with things other people couldn't, and now that I see that I can't, I'm lost. I cannot regain that control I once had and I don't know what to do. I have been lying to myself all these years.. trying to pinpoint and analyze and make everything perfect.. filling my head with imaginary ideas of things that I'm not. I don't know what to think anymore.
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